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awakening
August 2008 
Riding the Kundalini Dragon: Integrating Altered States
Posted on Jul 26th, 2007
by 
Delia
Delia
Riding the Kundalini Dragon Symposium: Days 2 & 3
What: The Zymposium is an online community event in which a group of presenters take turns blogging on their own pages on a specific topic. All the presenters - as well as whomever wants to jump in from the readership engage each day in a discussion (via the comments section of that blogpost) of that day's piece and the ideas/issues it raises.
When: Starting this coming Wednesday the 25th of July we will do three days of presenters. Then we'll take a break over the weekend and start up again on Monday July 30th through Friday August 3, for five more days of presentation.
Who: We have 8 presenters who will post in the following order:
Wednesday 7/25: Julian
Thursday 7/26&27: Delia
Friday 7/27: Christiana
BREAK
Monday 7/30: Michael
Tuesday 7/31: Sa'Rah
Wednesday 8/1: Daate
Thursday 8/2: Mijit
Friday 8/3: Jim
Riding the Kundalini Dragon Symposium: Days 2 & 3
Riding the Dragon, Writing the Serpent
As I contemplate how to present written material that is meaningful for myself and others regarding Kundalini and spiritual emergence, I find myself smiling quietly and simply appreciating what is. It has been many years since my initial awakening, and that has allowed me time, precious time, to assimilate that at once sudden and life-changing experience.
Despite the fact that years ago, I used to initially possess the itchy impulse and feisty urge to evangelize Kundalini, I currently find that desire no longer present. The sky needs no advertising.
What inspiration then, can I draw upon to fuel this symposium post—Riding the Kundalini Dragon: Integrating Altered States?
Hmm...well...I am going to start by opening up all my chakras, contacting numerous multi-dimensional deities, and trans-channelling some questions that other folks may have about spontaneous energetic awakenings in order to employ said questions as prompts for written discussion. How's that sound?
;)
In truth, this essay likely reads a bit like a one-person Q & R session. And so I do ask that you, the reader, enjoy it with the same forgiving gusto and sense of joyful humor with which I composed it.
Good times! :)
In his brilliant and comprehensive symposium post yesterday, Julian refers briefly to Gopi Krishna as a good reading resource regarding spontaneous and sudden Kundalini awakenings. He also does so with a caveat regarding GK's traditionalist Vedantic views and repressive sexual and emotional tendencies that can at times seep into his writings.
On this matter, I agree with Julian. GK certainly could be interpreted that way, though he was probably not considered so within his native context; given the time and culture he was born into—within that context—GK was revolutionary. When I read Gopi Krishna's writings on social, religious or political matters, I have personally felt a rub at times. Still, let's not throw the baby out with the bath water. Gopi Krishna's writings saved my life.
(BTW, thanks so much for the link in yesterday's post to GK's interview video, Julian. I had never had the opportunity to see GK. It's really wonderful after all these years to actually see and hear the man!)
During the initial years of my spiritual emergence (A.K.A. Kundalini awakening), I often felt very alienated and separate. At times, defective. It was so intense. When I came across GK's books, I felt deeply relieved. I felt finally assured that I would make it through to the happy and healthy end.
With that said, I have typed up some of my favorite quotes and excerpts from a booklet of GK's titled A Kundalini Catechism.
Gopi Krishna is very eloquent on the subject matter, and though I don't necessarily agree with all of his viewpoints regarding world change, religiousity, and sexuality—GK's courage to share his Kundalini experience so honestly helped me feel safe and understood through mine. He inspired me to go the distance. I honor him and am grateful for his work. His writings were my close companions during some very trying years.
Please, click here for a review of quotes from Gopi Krishna. I have created a blog post dedicated just to his writings from A Kundalini Catechism. They are a great review of the basics of what Kundalini is and how it functions within the body. My recommendation is to read the Gopi Krishna quotes first as a warm-up prior to reading my essay below. His writings will hopefully serve as a vital adjunct to this symposium, as well as, provide a basis for the context of the personal Kundalini experiences that I will share.
If there are words/terms/subjects you are not familiar with or are just curious about, please feel free to inquire in the comments section. Here are some links to resource some Sanskrit terms like:
Kundalini
Ida, Pingala, and Sushumna
Mudra
Kriya
Kirtan
Seva
Dharana
Vedantic
Shaivism
Shakti
Shaktipat
Additionally, feel free to discuss or ask me about anything from my essay in the comments section. If for any reason you feel that you require a more private space to share your questions or inquiries, just message me one-on-one, and I will reply as soon as I am able.
...
Initial Emergence and the Ongoing Experience
My Kundalini awakened spontaneously when I was 21. I am now 37.
So. How does Kundalini function within me currently—sixteen years later? Well, It took me many years to practice not fixating on Kundalini and all of her fireworks. It took me many years to be present in my body and in the material world once more with the volumes of light pouring through my body.
Think about the experience of getting into a very hot tub of water. You dab your toe in a bit. Then the foot. Then the leg. Perhaps, you withdraw it for a moment. Too hot. You're too sensitive to the temperature. Not quite yet ready. Then the leg back in. Then you sit. And so on and so forth. Until you are fully in the tub. You have adjusted to the bath water, and the temperature has likely become a bit more mild and welcoming with the passage of time. And so you float happily.
Currently, I float happily.
The temperature can be adjusted according to my practices like meditation, diet, dharana, devotion, chanting, etc. Yes, the temperature can be turned up to be quite hot. Yet I have more access to the knobs that control the flow now. In ancient Sanscrit texts these knobs would be referred to as Ida and Pingala, the two channels that encircle the main spiritual energy channel that runs up the spine—Sushumna. Ida and Pingala can be likened to moon and sun energies—one cooling and one warming. Sushumna can be likened to the middle knob that controls the channel wherein water flows down for a bath or upward for a shower.
In fact, I like this metaphor very much. It feels quite accurate.
Because sometimes, we need to relax and just float in a bath, and sometimes we really need a good awakening scrub in an invigorating shower.
For me there is this balance with the Kundalini energy of flowing both heavenward and towards earth.
(If the reader has the time/inclination I recommend reading up on the microcosmic orbitQi Gong texts; something by Mantak Chia might be a good place to start. The micro-cosmic orbit includes the concept of spiritual energy flowing downward as well as upward; some say, simultaneously described in .)
When my Kundalini first awakened spontaneously, I was drenched in a non-stop shower of light. It was amazingly invigorating to the body, mind and emotions. Yet, I eventually discovered that too much invigoration could be irritating and disturbing. Therefore, it became a conscious practice of mine to channel the energy in a different manner. One more akin to an earthward flow that is soothing and relaxing—more integrative and patient in nature.
So to respond to the original question: currently, I am very earthward with my energy. Lots of manifesting and being in the world. At the same time, this awakened energy flows into the world through me and with me. So when I am working, it becomes a meditation. When I am cooking or cleaning, it becomes a meditation. When I am with friends or family, that too is a meditation. There is a consistent awareness that I am energy existing in a material world with physical forms, and I am naturally drawn to connect with the energy I sense within form. Of course, there are also forms I choose not to connect with energetically. Just because there are thousands of stations on the radio, doesn't mean I enjoy listening to all of them. I find those that resonate with me and are conducive to supporting awakening spiritual energy, and tune into those necessarily.
Now that I have mentioned the "fireworks" of Kundalini. I am going to go ahead and complete that section upfront. Alright...
Fireworks
What can I say? They are amazing. There are no words.
Light. So much light.
There is this screen-saver program called Electric Sheep. It is a series of the most gorgeous patterns of light and color that morph and develop over time—continuously evolving. This screen-saver is free, and I recommend it highly. It is absolutely beautiful. The website for it has several samples available for viewing.
This is very much what the energetic light that I see looks like. Constantly evolving and full of the most exquisite colors. Yet, it is more beautiful than the screen-saver I just mentioned above—if you can imagine that. The light is three-dimensional. I can feel it. I can move through it. It moves through me. It envelops me.
Now some folks call this the third eye. This is what I can tell you. It does not matter whether I close my eyes or not. Seeing this light has nothing to do with cranial nerve II. It is extra-sensory. We call it "seeing," because there it is. Clear as day within the mind, within the consciousness. Yet I am aware that there are no physical little lights dancing around on my chair in my apartment or on the sidewalk outside. There is no illusion regarding this "sight." It is mystical, if we must use a word to define it. And it is extra-sensory.
Am I psychic?
I don't think so. I probably have those tendencies, as do many people. I don't think about it much. It doesn't really interest me currently.
So besides all the scintillating vibrating light, is there anything else?
Yes. During the first few months after the initial awakening occured, I heard sounds of a chime being struck. About 7 notes. It was so beautiful, I almost passed out. I just rolled around on the bed in a state of ecstasy for some time.
There have also been other occasions where I have smelled aromas that were clearly not from any physical source present in the room. These aromas were usually either tobacco or chocolate. Again, the smell was delicious, and accompanied a great bliss within me.
Over the years, I have experienced these extrasensory experiences frequently preceding, or conversely, proceeding from: states of ecstasy, bliss, or profound stillness/silence within myself. Yet they, themselves, are not states of ecstasy, bliss or profound stillness/silence. Consequently, feverish seeking of or attachment to extrasensory experience is ultimately not of lasting value to a true spiritual aspirant. Pretty colors and lights do not necessarily teach one compassion, patience, and courage. Mystical phenomena need not be confused with lines of higher spiritual development such as the formation of strong spiritual and moral character: genuine kindness, equanimity, and humility for instance.
The important thing to remember with all of this is that what makes these experiences so incredible initially is that they are extrasensory. I describe them as sight or sound or smell. Yet they are not so in the traditional physiological sense. I have read these experiences described as the "senses turned inward." And in a way, that is fairly accurate. It is as though the senses of the mind/body are now detecting something that is not physical/material and are seeking ways to describe it to the physical brain for interpretation. And so the experiences become "sight," "sound," and "smell"—languages we can understand and relate to as human beings with physical and sensorial bodies.
The Moment of Awakening
I can tell a little about my initial awakening. Some aspects I wish to honor as private.
First off, yes, there was a definite moment of awakening. And it was sudden. Essentially, the environmental circumstances were one of a virgin psychotropic situation where I was kindly invited to revisit my childhood under the pretenses that I would be able to do some regressive psychological healing.
(*soft chuckle*)
Little did I know...
I had no frame of reference for what happened next. I had not practiced hatha yoga, mantra, meditation, etc. a day in my life. And I had stopped going to my Southern Baptist (religion of origin) church six years prior due to the disillusioning activities of our preacher and choir director.
Yes, something entirely different than a past-regression session occured. Sure the usual features of a psychotropic experience manifested...and they were strange, pleasant, so on...no need to elucidate on that here.
At one point a distinct shift in my experience occured. I can recall it like it was 5 seconds ago. A sudden and powerful shift took place.
It was like my insides turned out, and I was plunged into a depth of space I had never known. I felt the most exquisite love I had ever felt. It was true joy and pure love. And it felt like one really super-concentrated drop of God within me.
And then a brilliant light shot up my spine and began to flow out the top of my head showering the entire room around me with iridescence. My breathing changed, my physical posture changed, and my hands went into mudras. Every in-breath felt like it lasted five minutes, and my lungs felt as though they were expanding outward infinitely into space.
I was stunned. I had no idea what was happening to me.
There were also visions. A flash of about ten or thirteen deities danced in front of me. They appeared in deep rich colors—reds and blacks and blues, and seemed to be Tibetan in form. They were not human. I also saw Christ in a simple, yet symbolic form—arms outstretched. And there was a vision of a green serpent coiling in a figure eight with its mouth holding onto its tail.
Over a few hours, the experience quieted in "volume." Yet, the light remained. When I looked inward, I could still see the serpent coiling in its figure eight. That remained.
So how did I respond to this initial awakening?
I became ravenous. In an instant, nothing mattered but this...whatever it was. That I had yet to discover.
My background spiritually had been one of being raised in a fundamental protestant religion (Southern Baptist). I had no cultural or religious referents for this tremendous mystical experience. So I began reading a much as I could. And also doing whatever I could to stay in that initial state of fireworks and bliss. I was very attached to the fireworks. ;)
Still, it didn't matter what I did as it concerned them. The fireworks were there regardless. Some activities and disciplines heightened their intensity and others calmed them. Again, the presence of this light and energy has remained with me ever since the day of my first awakening experience. Additionally I had the great good fortune to find a legitimate teacher to assist me and guide me with this unfolding process. And as I learned to nurture a much deeper desire within myself for spiritual healing, growth and development, I gradually let go of my sticky (yet understandable) attachment to the mystical phenomena that endure today.
Here are some of them:
Though I usually focus my energies on getting a solid eight hours sleep at night, Kundalini has afforded me the ability to lucid dream with heightened self-control and detailed recollection. I rarely employ this skill, yet do enjoy the occasional vivid dream recall just for fun.
Sometimes my sitting meditations are accompanied by extra-sensory visions or aromas. And as an example of the former, in meditation I am able to regularly see a very large glistening blue/green/purple eye in the region of the crown chakra that blinks ever so lovingly. And with each blink, a tear drop falls from that eye and spills gently into a pool of nectar that circles outward peacefully.
On occasion, visions of deities that I am devoted to and feel close to in my heart have visited me in dreams. For this, I am deeply moved and grateful.
And as stated previously, the beautiful evolving fractal patterns of light and color continue to dance and swirl and spin whether my eyes are closed or open—it makes no difference.
And...
I am still a person who gets up in the morning, eats her cereal, drinks her chocolate almond milk, brushes her teeth, and goes to work and school. I have bills to pay, books to read, people to love, and a life to live. I eat, I sleep, and I use the ladies room a few times each day. I like to hike and cook and watch South Park. And I also enjoy relaxin' with an artsy-craftsy project, having a cup of tea while chillin' with my friends, and kissing/hugging/spooning with my super-wonderful boyfriend as often as possible.
Why do I say all this?
Because the mystical fireworks can be extremely distracting, and even disturbing, at first. It takes time, patience, and perseverance to accept all this transforming light and energy, and continue to function as per usual in the material world...with ease and grace.
So...let me discuss briefly why I call the extrasensory experiences "fireworks."
I do so, because mystical phenomena and astral skills are still just phenomena. In and of themselves they hold no particular significance or meaning.
Are they beautiful? Frequently.
Are they inspiring? Often.
Are they astral commands from the 11th dimension of the secret 839th cosmowisdom-beings collectively known as Gadrimuk to gather unquestioning followers, so I can lead them to eternal enlightenment on a distant star in a far, far away galaxy? Umm...no. Definitively, no.
These extrasensorial/mystical experiences are no more miraculous or extraordinary than a rain shower falling on a grassy meadow. They are no more spectacular or beautiful than leaves changing colors in the Autumn. They are no more special or divine than a mother giving birth to a child. It is all phenomena. Glorious, glorious phenomena. All of it.
Rain showers and changing leaves and mothers giving birth to children do not stop us from living our lives as human beings and attending to our bodies, our friends, our families and our various responsibilities. Kundalini awakenings and all of their accompanying kriyas, therefore, are no exception either. Anyone who tells you that you are extra-special, spiritually advanced, and need to live an unnaturally heightened or cloistered life of cultural and/or religious exclusionism—is full of hooey and a likely charlatan.
I personally call the extra-sensorial experiences "fireworks," because it was all such new phenomena to me that it inspired the amazement and fascination a child experiences upon seeing her first viewing of fireworks exploding in the sky. I also call such experiences "fireworks," because Kundalini is a spiritual light and intelligent energy that illumines, heals and evolves the dark regions of our psychic beings. Usually, you don't see fireworks in the daylight. They are reserved for the night—the shadow.
Shadow Illumination
Has Kundalini has illuminated my shadow?
Oh, yes. That is affirmative. Before we discuss that further, however, I feel it is important to express my perspective on what is "shadow." Visualize, if you will, a black and white photograph. Recall one that is particularly lovely to you. Now, realize that if that entire picture and composition were light with no shadow whatsoever, there would be no image. No picture at all. In order to have a picture, a composition, we need shadow. We need it. It is essential. I cannot emphasize this enough. So many people have been eagerly engaging in digging up their shadow with the intention of "getting rid of it." Not such a great idea. It is important to understand and accept one's shadow—one's darkness. In fact, I would say that it is the shadow that shapes and gives root to our light. Shadow gives earth to our virtues and compassionate spiritual qualities.
So again, to respond to the question "Has Kundalini illuminated my shadow?"... The essence of what Kundalini is—pure energetic intelligent light—will of course, illuminate shadow. This is an important consideration. Kundalini necessitated doing much healing work with the psyche in my personal scenario, as I am certain it does with many people. Lots of healing work. And when I use the term healing, what I intend by it is: harmonizing and balancing—not getting rid of shadow. The intention is to accept, integrate and balance shadow into the whole—create a cohesive relationship and one-ness between what is human and what is divine.
Bringing light to the shadow also affords us the opportunity to unearth our true heart's desires. Unknown shadow aspects can do a dandy job of putting our heart's desires on indefinite quarantine—hidden beneath lacy darkened skirt hems that we have habitually avoided.
For example, I have a genuine desire to be honest with myself. How much time do we waste lying to ourselves about who we are and what we want? Eons? One of my genuine heart's desires to is develop gem-like discrimination and steadfast surrender to what is True. At the same time, I also have a deeply felt heart's desire to continually develop compassion and kindness towards myself and others. None of these spiritual inspirations/aspirations require that I experience one ounce of extrasensorial phenomena in order to attain them.
So then why all the fireworks?
I cannot say generally what that is for everyone who undergoes such an awakening. I can guess at what it might be for myself. Thus far, this ongoing collection of mystical experiences appears to have, at the very least, served the purpose of softening and expanding my formative intellect, which was very, very literal (fundamentalist upbringing...) and childlike. That is one aspect and one possibility. However, I have not analyzed the subject at length in this regards, so I hesitate to draw any conclusions, no matter how convenient.
Inevitable Transformation
Over time Kundalini can gradually, yet radically transform the personality. It is my personal perspective that this awakened spiritual energy is intelligent, evolutionary, and that is just what it inherently does—transform us.
Whether I liked it or not. And sometimes...I did not. Through this process, I have had to face myself—all parts—whether I liked it or not.
And though I can see that perspective as valid, I actually don't think of Kundalini awakenings as being "altered" states of consciousness as our symposium title infers. "Evolved" perhaps. "Expanded" possibly. "Illumined" yes. Altered somehow implies that the original was "perfect" or "better." Altered also evokes a sense that one can revert back to the prior mode of being. With an awakened Kundalini, I have not been able to accomplish this. Once awakened, there has been no "going back to sleep." No matter how hard I have tried. And believe me, I have tried.
See the "Matrix" film series? Well, I was the character who just wanted to be able to believe the juicy 10 oz steak and the sexy ladies at the restaurant were real again. I really, really wanted to go back to sleep.
Now, you may ask "Why?" Why would I want to go back to sleep? Especially after what I just described about my awakening being full of so much beauty and ecstasy and wonder. Why would I want that to end?
Oh, it wasn't the extrasensory bliss or beautiful well of inner love that I wanted to end. It was the outpouring a egoic psychic debris and shrapnel that lay around me in the wake of this sudden spiritual emergence. No longer could I crawl back inside old cultural and religious belief systems that were easy in their over-simplification of reality. No longer could I believe that acquiring recognition and fortune and "stuff" were the end-all-be-all of human endeavors. No longer could I believe that when I died, I would go to heaven (if I believed in Jesus) and get a whole new perfect body and a mansion and a crown and continue being Delia and be with all my friends and family forever and ever. No longer could I believe that my ego was immortal. That sucked in a very painful way. Big time.
My beliefs. All of them. Were absolutely shattered. I had nothing. No matter how hard I tried, I could not genuinely and authentically believe and experience the world the way I had before. My persepective was transformed. I was absolutely in my Garden of Kundalini Eden...yes, blissful extrasensory experiences. Yet in this material world, in this physical world of shared consensus reality and as the individual—Delia. I had nothing. Armageddon had just passed through and bulldozed the architecture of my ego. All that remained was a desert of belief fall-out, desire shrapnel and persona debris.
That's where Kundalini transforming one's life comes in. My entire life and who I am as a person had to be rebuilt and reformed. And let me tell you. That is a lot of work in the case you are really, really fast asleep and cozy in your belief systems prior to awakening. Like I was.
So yes, there is the bliss...and there is the hell.
Someone culturally and religiously prepared for this type of spiritual emergence would likely fair better than I did, at least initially, is my guess. Still, my intention is to be honest in this discussion, and tell you that I was conflicted and I did experience suffering. I definitely spent at least half my time bemoaning my fate.
Think of it like getting new teeth. When the deciduous ones fall out, sometimes they're a bit stubborn and need to be pulled. Well, on the one hand. Yes, you want that old tooth out. Yet, holy crickets it hurts like a mother to get it yanked! That's kind of how it can be with old ego belief systems, values, and desires with a functioning Kundalini.
Also, the fact that the initial awakening was so profound and, yes the extrasensory fireworks were so bright, that I honestly had no choice but to sink or swim.
I suppose that I don't sound like most people that write books on Kundalini awakenings or teach about it. Umm. I don't worry about this too much. I think I might have before in the past. I don't anymore. To quote a famous sailor: I am what I am. ;)
Acceptance, Practice and Humility
Look, the only way I personally could have survived (and I mean that literally) a spiritual emergence of this suddenness and magnitude was to develop an amazing resilience, consistent trust, and a fabulous sense of humor. Those were the first three things that birthed within me during this transformation process. And necessarily so.
For about a year and a half, I could only sleep about 4 hours a night, hardly ate, experienced non-stop swirling lights and colors that did not stop when you turned the bedside lamp off. I needed assistance. And that is exactly what I sought out. I spoke to several monks at the time. And each one of them gave me similar advice. One was very specific. He said, "You need protein. Lots of protein. You need to exercise. Get sleep. Don't meditate so much. Five minutes a day is fine. You can chant, but only if there are drums involved, like a kirtan. Seva is okay. Pace yourself. For some people just a little meditation is so much. You are very sensitive to the Shakti right now. Just take care of yourself. And if all else fails. Eat chocolate. That will keep the Shakti busy, and allow your mind to rest a bit."
This might sound like silly advice. The chocolate business. But that is no joke. Chocolate works.
So essentially, my spiritual practice in my early twenties was:
1. Sleep 8 hours a night.
2. Eat 3 meals a day.
3. Hold a job.
Not very exotic.
I could not attend spiritual retreats, intensives, and the like. I was absolutely too sensitive.
When I did succumb to temptation, and attended such spiritual gatherings or meditated longer than a few minutes, the lights and colors would just explode. Physical kriyas would erupt spontaneously. I would sometimes become physically ill. And more than any of those—terrific fear would hound me ruthlessly.
Again, with light came shadow. And my shadow at the time was fear, fear, fear.
For about 3-5 years, I just did what I could to be in my body and function within the material world.
During this time, I temporarily relived many formative childhood events as Kundalini brought them to the surface for release. This was very scary and challenging. You can find a brief account of some of those childhood events here.
Extrasensory experiences can be frightening at first. They were even more so given the context of my background. I sought out an excellent and grounded spiritual counselor during that time to assist me with sorting out what was childhood recollection of extrasensory experience and what was current Kundalini kriya manifestations—what was past and what was present—what was healing and what was not. This required attentive and meticulous work to do what was essentially psycho-spiritual administration and organization. Filing and collating. Filing and collating. A good deal of my formative childhood years lacked structure. And I often felt at a loss for how to parent myself through my newly and spontaneously awakened life. There simply were no books on the topic. Except for Gopi Krishna's—God bless him every inch.
Kundalini Awakening = Healing Evolution
More than anything, Kundalini is a healing evolution. It is an opportunity to integrate, balance and harmonize. I am so immensely grateful that I have had the grace to receive this experience in its fullness and grow and evolve as a spiritual being into depths of existence I had not previously even imagined existed.
Nothing can add to this experience. It stands alone. As a dear friend of mine says, "One does not worship the Buddha. By exalting the Buddha, we cannot make the Buddha anymore Buddha. Buddha is Buddha."
And Kundalini is Kundalini.
I feel strongly that many cases (not all, yet many) of physical and mental illness are challenged Kundalini awakenings in need of appropriate guidance and assistance. I feel that within a compassionate cultural context and welcoming paradigm, people can come to understand that the harmonization process of light and shadow that occurs—though sometimes uncomfortable or painful—is temporary.
I feel great concern for those who are rashly seeking to awaken such a powerful spiritual energy without a true teacher or the maturity to understand the commitment of such a spiritual emergence. Kundalini is a 24-7 commitment. You cannot spit back up the "Red Pill." Spiritual emergence really is about the journey. As one of my teachers, Baba Muktananda says wisely in the title of a book he authored, "Where are you going?"
I encourage gentle, gradual awakenings whenever possible. I cannot say that this is always possible, however. We all have our own particular destinies and karmas.
What Matters Most
What matters most to me after all these years is not that I am surrounded by light and color and other mystical experiences, though they are all exquisitely beautiful and are an intrinsic part of who I am at present.
What matters most to me that I can consciously connect with my heart, and feel a love that is eternal no matter the outer circumstances of my life or temporary confusions of my intellect. What matters is that the transformed personality that I live with and through today is joyous, grateful, fun, creative, accepting, forgiving, compassionate, honest, caring, kind, generous, and light-hearted.
What matters to me is that I love myself and the people in my life with abundant joy and uplifting authenticity.
Loving and caring for people matters to me.
Kundalini and spiritual emergence is a healing transformative opportunity. Yet it is we, as spiritual beings and awakened participants, who need to take responsibility to actively move congruently with our own emerging energies. It is the loving collaboration and cooperation that ultimately evolves us toward complete healing, harmonization, balance and transformation. As my teacher says: self-effort and grace—two wings of a bird.
Spiritual emergence, no matter its name or form, is an opportunity to enter into our hearts and know Love.
•••••••••••
What: The Zymposium is an online community event in which a group of presenters take turns blogging on their own pages on a specific topic. All the presenters - as well as whomever wants to jump in from the readership engage each day in a discussion (via the comments section of that blogpost) of that day's piece and the ideas/issues it raises.
When: Starting this coming Wednesday the 25th of July we will do three days of presenters. Then we'll take a break over the weekend and start up again on Monday July 30th through Friday August 3, for five more days of presentation.
Who: We have 8 presenters who will post in the following order:
Wednesday 7/25: Julian
Thursday 7/26&27: Delia
Friday 7/27: Christiana
BREAK
Monday 7/30: Michael
Tuesday 7/31: Sa'Rah
Wednesday 8/1: Daate
Thursday 8/2: Mijit
Friday 8/3: Jim
Riding the Kundalini Dragon Symposium: Days 2 & 3
Riding the Dragon, Writing the Serpent
As I contemplate how to present written material that is meaningful for myself and others regarding Kundalini and spiritual emergence, I find myself smiling quietly and simply appreciating what is. It has been many years since my initial awakening, and that has allowed me time, precious time, to assimilate that at once sudden and life-changing experience.
Despite the fact that years ago, I used to initially possess the itchy impulse and feisty urge to evangelize Kundalini, I currently find that desire no longer present. The sky needs no advertising.
What inspiration then, can I draw upon to fuel this symposium post—Riding the Kundalini Dragon: Integrating Altered States?
Hmm...well...I am going to start by opening up all my chakras, contacting numerous multi-dimensional deities, and trans-channelling some questions that other folks may have about spontaneous energetic awakenings in order to employ said questions as prompts for written discussion. How's that sound?
;)
In truth, this essay likely reads a bit like a one-person Q & R session. And so I do ask that you, the reader, enjoy it with the same forgiving gusto and sense of joyful humor with which I composed it.
Good times! :)
In his brilliant and comprehensive symposium post yesterday, Julian refers briefly to Gopi Krishna as a good reading resource regarding spontaneous and sudden Kundalini awakenings. He also does so with a caveat regarding GK's traditionalist Vedantic views and repressive sexual and emotional tendencies that can at times seep into his writings.
On this matter, I agree with Julian. GK certainly could be interpreted that way, though he was probably not considered so within his native context; given the time and culture he was born into—within that context—GK was revolutionary. When I read Gopi Krishna's writings on social, religious or political matters, I have personally felt a rub at times. Still, let's not throw the baby out with the bath water. Gopi Krishna's writings saved my life.
(BTW, thanks so much for the link in yesterday's post to GK's interview video, Julian. I had never had the opportunity to see GK. It's really wonderful after all these years to actually see and hear the man!)
During the initial years of my spiritual emergence (A.K.A. Kundalini awakening), I often felt very alienated and separate. At times, defective. It was so intense. When I came across GK's books, I felt deeply relieved. I felt finally assured that I would make it through to the happy and healthy end.
With that said, I have typed up some of my favorite quotes and excerpts from a booklet of GK's titled A Kundalini Catechism.
Gopi Krishna is very eloquent on the subject matter, and though I don't necessarily agree with all of his viewpoints regarding world change, religiousity, and sexuality—GK's courage to share his Kundalini experience so honestly helped me feel safe and understood through mine. He inspired me to go the distance. I honor him and am grateful for his work. His writings were my close companions during some very trying years.
Please, click here for a review of quotes from Gopi Krishna. I have created a blog post dedicated just to his writings from A Kundalini Catechism. They are a great review of the basics of what Kundalini is and how it functions within the body. My recommendation is to read the Gopi Krishna quotes first as a warm-up prior to reading my essay below. His writings will hopefully serve as a vital adjunct to this symposium, as well as, provide a basis for the context of the personal Kundalini experiences that I will share.
If there are words/terms/subjects you are not familiar with or are just curious about, please feel free to inquire in the comments section. Here are some links to resource some Sanskrit terms like:
Kundalini
Ida, Pingala, and Sushumna
Mudra
Kriya
Kirtan
Seva
Dharana
Vedantic
Shaivism
Shakti
Shaktipat
Additionally, feel free to discuss or ask me about anything from my essay in the comments section. If for any reason you feel that you require a more private space to share your questions or inquiries, just message me one-on-one, and I will reply as soon as I am able.
...
Initial Emergence and the Ongoing Experience
My Kundalini awakened spontaneously when I was 21. I am now 37.
So. How does Kundalini function within me currently—sixteen years later? Well, It took me many years to practice not fixating on Kundalini and all of her fireworks. It took me many years to be present in my body and in the material world once more with the volumes of light pouring through my body.
Think about the experience of getting into a very hot tub of water. You dab your toe in a bit. Then the foot. Then the leg. Perhaps, you withdraw it for a moment. Too hot. You're too sensitive to the temperature. Not quite yet ready. Then the leg back in. Then you sit. And so on and so forth. Until you are fully in the tub. You have adjusted to the bath water, and the temperature has likely become a bit more mild and welcoming with the passage of time. And so you float happily.
Currently, I float happily.
The temperature can be adjusted according to my practices like meditation, diet, dharana, devotion, chanting, etc. Yes, the temperature can be turned up to be quite hot. Yet I have more access to the knobs that control the flow now. In ancient Sanscrit texts these knobs would be referred to as Ida and Pingala, the two channels that encircle the main spiritual energy channel that runs up the spine—Sushumna. Ida and Pingala can be likened to moon and sun energies—one cooling and one warming. Sushumna can be likened to the middle knob that controls the channel wherein water flows down for a bath or upward for a shower.
In fact, I like this metaphor very much. It feels quite accurate.
Because sometimes, we need to relax and just float in a bath, and sometimes we really need a good awakening scrub in an invigorating shower.
For me there is this balance with the Kundalini energy of flowing both heavenward and towards earth.
(If the reader has the time/inclination I recommend reading up on the microcosmic orbitQi Gong texts; something by Mantak Chia might be a good place to start. The micro-cosmic orbit includes the concept of spiritual energy flowing downward as well as upward; some say, simultaneously described in .)
When my Kundalini first awakened spontaneously, I was drenched in a non-stop shower of light. It was amazingly invigorating to the body, mind and emotions. Yet, I eventually discovered that too much invigoration could be irritating and disturbing. Therefore, it became a conscious practice of mine to channel the energy in a different manner. One more akin to an earthward flow that is soothing and relaxing—more integrative and patient in nature.
So to respond to the original question: currently, I am very earthward with my energy. Lots of manifesting and being in the world. At the same time, this awakened energy flows into the world through me and with me. So when I am working, it becomes a meditation. When I am cooking or cleaning, it becomes a meditation. When I am with friends or family, that too is a meditation. There is a consistent awareness that I am energy existing in a material world with physical forms, and I am naturally drawn to connect with the energy I sense within form. Of course, there are also forms I choose not to connect with energetically. Just because there are thousands of stations on the radio, doesn't mean I enjoy listening to all of them. I find those that resonate with me and are conducive to supporting awakening spiritual energy, and tune into those necessarily.
Now that I have mentioned the "fireworks" of Kundalini. I am going to go ahead and complete that section upfront. Alright...
Fireworks
What can I say? They are amazing. There are no words.
Light. So much light.
There is this screen-saver program called Electric Sheep. It is a series of the most gorgeous patterns of light and color that morph and develop over time—continuously evolving. This screen-saver is free, and I recommend it highly. It is absolutely beautiful. The website for it has several samples available for viewing.
This is very much what the energetic light that I see looks like. Constantly evolving and full of the most exquisite colors. Yet, it is more beautiful than the screen-saver I just mentioned above—if you can imagine that. The light is three-dimensional. I can feel it. I can move through it. It moves through me. It envelops me.
Now some folks call this the third eye. This is what I can tell you. It does not matter whether I close my eyes or not. Seeing this light has nothing to do with cranial nerve II. It is extra-sensory. We call it "seeing," because there it is. Clear as day within the mind, within the consciousness. Yet I am aware that there are no physical little lights dancing around on my chair in my apartment or on the sidewalk outside. There is no illusion regarding this "sight." It is mystical, if we must use a word to define it. And it is extra-sensory.
Am I psychic?
I don't think so. I probably have those tendencies, as do many people. I don't think about it much. It doesn't really interest me currently.
So besides all the scintillating vibrating light, is there anything else?
Yes. During the first few months after the initial awakening occured, I heard sounds of a chime being struck. About 7 notes. It was so beautiful, I almost passed out. I just rolled around on the bed in a state of ecstasy for some time.
There have also been other occasions where I have smelled aromas that were clearly not from any physical source present in the room. These aromas were usually either tobacco or chocolate. Again, the smell was delicious, and accompanied a great bliss within me.
Over the years, I have experienced these extrasensory experiences frequently preceding, or conversely, proceeding from: states of ecstasy, bliss, or profound stillness/silence within myself. Yet they, themselves, are not states of ecstasy, bliss or profound stillness/silence. Consequently, feverish seeking of or attachment to extrasensory experience is ultimately not of lasting value to a true spiritual aspirant. Pretty colors and lights do not necessarily teach one compassion, patience, and courage. Mystical phenomena need not be confused with lines of higher spiritual development such as the formation of strong spiritual and moral character: genuine kindness, equanimity, and humility for instance.
The important thing to remember with all of this is that what makes these experiences so incredible initially is that they are extrasensory. I describe them as sight or sound or smell. Yet they are not so in the traditional physiological sense. I have read these experiences described as the "senses turned inward." And in a way, that is fairly accurate. It is as though the senses of the mind/body are now detecting something that is not physical/material and are seeking ways to describe it to the physical brain for interpretation. And so the experiences become "sight," "sound," and "smell"—languages we can understand and relate to as human beings with physical and sensorial bodies.
The Moment of Awakening
I can tell a little about my initial awakening. Some aspects I wish to honor as private.
First off, yes, there was a definite moment of awakening. And it was sudden. Essentially, the environmental circumstances were one of a virgin psychotropic situation where I was kindly invited to revisit my childhood under the pretenses that I would be able to do some regressive psychological healing.
(*soft chuckle*)
Little did I know...
I had no frame of reference for what happened next. I had not practiced hatha yoga, mantra, meditation, etc. a day in my life. And I had stopped going to my Southern Baptist (religion of origin) church six years prior due to the disillusioning activities of our preacher and choir director.
Yes, something entirely different than a past-regression session occured. Sure the usual features of a psychotropic experience manifested...and they were strange, pleasant, so on...no need to elucidate on that here.
At one point a distinct shift in my experience occured. I can recall it like it was 5 seconds ago. A sudden and powerful shift took place.
It was like my insides turned out, and I was plunged into a depth of space I had never known. I felt the most exquisite love I had ever felt. It was true joy and pure love. And it felt like one really super-concentrated drop of God within me.
And then a brilliant light shot up my spine and began to flow out the top of my head showering the entire room around me with iridescence. My breathing changed, my physical posture changed, and my hands went into mudras. Every in-breath felt like it lasted five minutes, and my lungs felt as though they were expanding outward infinitely into space.
I was stunned. I had no idea what was happening to me.
There were also visions. A flash of about ten or thirteen deities danced in front of me. They appeared in deep rich colors—reds and blacks and blues, and seemed to be Tibetan in form. They were not human. I also saw Christ in a simple, yet symbolic form—arms outstretched. And there was a vision of a green serpent coiling in a figure eight with its mouth holding onto its tail.
Over a few hours, the experience quieted in "volume." Yet, the light remained. When I looked inward, I could still see the serpent coiling in its figure eight. That remained.
So how did I respond to this initial awakening?
I became ravenous. In an instant, nothing mattered but this...whatever it was. That I had yet to discover.
My background spiritually had been one of being raised in a fundamental protestant religion (Southern Baptist). I had no cultural or religious referents for this tremendous mystical experience. So I began reading a much as I could. And also doing whatever I could to stay in that initial state of fireworks and bliss. I was very attached to the fireworks. ;)
Still, it didn't matter what I did as it concerned them. The fireworks were there regardless. Some activities and disciplines heightened their intensity and others calmed them. Again, the presence of this light and energy has remained with me ever since the day of my first awakening experience. Additionally I had the great good fortune to find a legitimate teacher to assist me and guide me with this unfolding process. And as I learned to nurture a much deeper desire within myself for spiritual healing, growth and development, I gradually let go of my sticky (yet understandable) attachment to the mystical phenomena that endure today.
Here are some of them:
Though I usually focus my energies on getting a solid eight hours sleep at night, Kundalini has afforded me the ability to lucid dream with heightened self-control and detailed recollection. I rarely employ this skill, yet do enjoy the occasional vivid dream recall just for fun.
Sometimes my sitting meditations are accompanied by extra-sensory visions or aromas. And as an example of the former, in meditation I am able to regularly see a very large glistening blue/green/purple eye in the region of the crown chakra that blinks ever so lovingly. And with each blink, a tear drop falls from that eye and spills gently into a pool of nectar that circles outward peacefully.
On occasion, visions of deities that I am devoted to and feel close to in my heart have visited me in dreams. For this, I am deeply moved and grateful.
And as stated previously, the beautiful evolving fractal patterns of light and color continue to dance and swirl and spin whether my eyes are closed or open—it makes no difference.
And...
I am still a person who gets up in the morning, eats her cereal, drinks her chocolate almond milk, brushes her teeth, and goes to work and school. I have bills to pay, books to read, people to love, and a life to live. I eat, I sleep, and I use the ladies room a few times each day. I like to hike and cook and watch South Park. And I also enjoy relaxin' with an artsy-craftsy project, having a cup of tea while chillin' with my friends, and kissing/hugging/spooning with my super-wonderful boyfriend as often as possible.
Why do I say all this?
Because the mystical fireworks can be extremely distracting, and even disturbing, at first. It takes time, patience, and perseverance to accept all this transforming light and energy, and continue to function as per usual in the material world...with ease and grace.
So...let me discuss briefly why I call the extrasensory experiences "fireworks."
I do so, because mystical phenomena and astral skills are still just phenomena. In and of themselves they hold no particular significance or meaning.
Are they beautiful? Frequently.
Are they inspiring? Often.
Are they astral commands from the 11th dimension of the secret 839th cosmowisdom-beings collectively known as Gadrimuk to gather unquestioning followers, so I can lead them to eternal enlightenment on a distant star in a far, far away galaxy? Umm...no. Definitively, no.
These extrasensorial/mystical experiences are no more miraculous or extraordinary than a rain shower falling on a grassy meadow. They are no more spectacular or beautiful than leaves changing colors in the Autumn. They are no more special or divine than a mother giving birth to a child. It is all phenomena. Glorious, glorious phenomena. All of it.
Rain showers and changing leaves and mothers giving birth to children do not stop us from living our lives as human beings and attending to our bodies, our friends, our families and our various responsibilities. Kundalini awakenings and all of their accompanying kriyas, therefore, are no exception either. Anyone who tells you that you are extra-special, spiritually advanced, and need to live an unnaturally heightened or cloistered life of cultural and/or religious exclusionism—is full of hooey and a likely charlatan.
I personally call the extra-sensorial experiences "fireworks," because it was all such new phenomena to me that it inspired the amazement and fascination a child experiences upon seeing her first viewing of fireworks exploding in the sky. I also call such experiences "fireworks," because Kundalini is a spiritual light and intelligent energy that illumines, heals and evolves the dark regions of our psychic beings. Usually, you don't see fireworks in the daylight. They are reserved for the night—the shadow.
Shadow Illumination
Has Kundalini has illuminated my shadow?
Oh, yes. That is affirmative. Before we discuss that further, however, I feel it is important to express my perspective on what is "shadow." Visualize, if you will, a black and white photograph. Recall one that is particularly lovely to you. Now, realize that if that entire picture and composition were light with no shadow whatsoever, there would be no image. No picture at all. In order to have a picture, a composition, we need shadow. We need it. It is essential. I cannot emphasize this enough. So many people have been eagerly engaging in digging up their shadow with the intention of "getting rid of it." Not such a great idea. It is important to understand and accept one's shadow—one's darkness. In fact, I would say that it is the shadow that shapes and gives root to our light. Shadow gives earth to our virtues and compassionate spiritual qualities.
So again, to respond to the question "Has Kundalini illuminated my shadow?"... The essence of what Kundalini is—pure energetic intelligent light—will of course, illuminate shadow. This is an important consideration. Kundalini necessitated doing much healing work with the psyche in my personal scenario, as I am certain it does with many people. Lots of healing work. And when I use the term healing, what I intend by it is: harmonizing and balancing—not getting rid of shadow. The intention is to accept, integrate and balance shadow into the whole—create a cohesive relationship and one-ness between what is human and what is divine.
Bringing light to the shadow also affords us the opportunity to unearth our true heart's desires. Unknown shadow aspects can do a dandy job of putting our heart's desires on indefinite quarantine—hidden beneath lacy darkened skirt hems that we have habitually avoided.
For example, I have a genuine desire to be honest with myself. How much time do we waste lying to ourselves about who we are and what we want? Eons? One of my genuine heart's desires to is develop gem-like discrimination and steadfast surrender to what is True. At the same time, I also have a deeply felt heart's desire to continually develop compassion and kindness towards myself and others. None of these spiritual inspirations/aspirations require that I experience one ounce of extrasensorial phenomena in order to attain them.
So then why all the fireworks?
I cannot say generally what that is for everyone who undergoes such an awakening. I can guess at what it might be for myself. Thus far, this ongoing collection of mystical experiences appears to have, at the very least, served the purpose of softening and expanding my formative intellect, which was very, very literal (fundamentalist upbringing...) and childlike. That is one aspect and one possibility. However, I have not analyzed the subject at length in this regards, so I hesitate to draw any conclusions, no matter how convenient.
Inevitable Transformation
Over time Kundalini can gradually, yet radically transform the personality. It is my personal perspective that this awakened spiritual energy is intelligent, evolutionary, and that is just what it inherently does—transform us.
Whether I liked it or not. And sometimes...I did not. Through this process, I have had to face myself—all parts—whether I liked it or not.
And though I can see that perspective as valid, I actually don't think of Kundalini awakenings as being "altered" states of consciousness as our symposium title infers. "Evolved" perhaps. "Expanded" possibly. "Illumined" yes. Altered somehow implies that the original was "perfect" or "better." Altered also evokes a sense that one can revert back to the prior mode of being. With an awakened Kundalini, I have not been able to accomplish this. Once awakened, there has been no "going back to sleep." No matter how hard I have tried. And believe me, I have tried.
See the "Matrix" film series? Well, I was the character who just wanted to be able to believe the juicy 10 oz steak and the sexy ladies at the restaurant were real again. I really, really wanted to go back to sleep.
Now, you may ask "Why?" Why would I want to go back to sleep? Especially after what I just described about my awakening being full of so much beauty and ecstasy and wonder. Why would I want that to end?
Oh, it wasn't the extrasensory bliss or beautiful well of inner love that I wanted to end. It was the outpouring a egoic psychic debris and shrapnel that lay around me in the wake of this sudden spiritual emergence. No longer could I crawl back inside old cultural and religious belief systems that were easy in their over-simplification of reality. No longer could I believe that acquiring recognition and fortune and "stuff" were the end-all-be-all of human endeavors. No longer could I believe that when I died, I would go to heaven (if I believed in Jesus) and get a whole new perfect body and a mansion and a crown and continue being Delia and be with all my friends and family forever and ever. No longer could I believe that my ego was immortal. That sucked in a very painful way. Big time.
My beliefs. All of them. Were absolutely shattered. I had nothing. No matter how hard I tried, I could not genuinely and authentically believe and experience the world the way I had before. My persepective was transformed. I was absolutely in my Garden of Kundalini Eden...yes, blissful extrasensory experiences. Yet in this material world, in this physical world of shared consensus reality and as the individual—Delia. I had nothing. Armageddon had just passed through and bulldozed the architecture of my ego. All that remained was a desert of belief fall-out, desire shrapnel and persona debris.
That's where Kundalini transforming one's life comes in. My entire life and who I am as a person had to be rebuilt and reformed. And let me tell you. That is a lot of work in the case you are really, really fast asleep and cozy in your belief systems prior to awakening. Like I was.
So yes, there is the bliss...and there is the hell.
Someone culturally and religiously prepared for this type of spiritual emergence would likely fair better than I did, at least initially, is my guess. Still, my intention is to be honest in this discussion, and tell you that I was conflicted and I did experience suffering. I definitely spent at least half my time bemoaning my fate.
Think of it like getting new teeth. When the deciduous ones fall out, sometimes they're a bit stubborn and need to be pulled. Well, on the one hand. Yes, you want that old tooth out. Yet, holy crickets it hurts like a mother to get it yanked! That's kind of how it can be with old ego belief systems, values, and desires with a functioning Kundalini.
Also, the fact that the initial awakening was so profound and, yes the extrasensory fireworks were so bright, that I honestly had no choice but to sink or swim.
I suppose that I don't sound like most people that write books on Kundalini awakenings or teach about it. Umm. I don't worry about this too much. I think I might have before in the past. I don't anymore. To quote a famous sailor: I am what I am. ;)
Acceptance, Practice and Humility
Look, the only way I personally could have survived (and I mean that literally) a spiritual emergence of this suddenness and magnitude was to develop an amazing resilience, consistent trust, and a fabulous sense of humor. Those were the first three things that birthed within me during this transformation process. And necessarily so.
For about a year and a half, I could only sleep about 4 hours a night, hardly ate, experienced non-stop swirling lights and colors that did not stop when you turned the bedside lamp off. I needed assistance. And that is exactly what I sought out. I spoke to several monks at the time. And each one of them gave me similar advice. One was very specific. He said, "You need protein. Lots of protein. You need to exercise. Get sleep. Don't meditate so much. Five minutes a day is fine. You can chant, but only if there are drums involved, like a kirtan. Seva is okay. Pace yourself. For some people just a little meditation is so much. You are very sensitive to the Shakti right now. Just take care of yourself. And if all else fails. Eat chocolate. That will keep the Shakti busy, and allow your mind to rest a bit."
This might sound like silly advice. The chocolate business. But that is no joke. Chocolate works.
So essentially, my spiritual practice in my early twenties was:
1. Sleep 8 hours a night.
2. Eat 3 meals a day.
3. Hold a job.
Not very exotic.
I could not attend spiritual retreats, intensives, and the like. I was absolutely too sensitive.
When I did succumb to temptation, and attended such spiritual gatherings or meditated longer than a few minutes, the lights and colors would just explode. Physical kriyas would erupt spontaneously. I would sometimes become physically ill. And more than any of those—terrific fear would hound me ruthlessly.
Again, with light came shadow. And my shadow at the time was fear, fear, fear.
For about 3-5 years, I just did what I could to be in my body and function within the material world.
During this time, I temporarily relived many formative childhood events as Kundalini brought them to the surface for release. This was very scary and challenging. You can find a brief account of some of those childhood events here.
Extrasensory experiences can be frightening at first. They were even more so given the context of my background. I sought out an excellent and grounded spiritual counselor during that time to assist me with sorting out what was childhood recollection of extrasensory experience and what was current Kundalini kriya manifestations—what was past and what was present—what was healing and what was not. This required attentive and meticulous work to do what was essentially psycho-spiritual administration and organization. Filing and collating. Filing and collating. A good deal of my formative childhood years lacked structure. And I often felt at a loss for how to parent myself through my newly and spontaneously awakened life. There simply were no books on the topic. Except for Gopi Krishna's—God bless him every inch.
Kundalini Awakening = Healing Evolution
More than anything, Kundalini is a healing evolution. It is an opportunity to integrate, balance and harmonize. I am so immensely grateful that I have had the grace to receive this experience in its fullness and grow and evolve as a spiritual being into depths of existence I had not previously even imagined existed.
Nothing can add to this experience. It stands alone. As a dear friend of mine says, "One does not worship the Buddha. By exalting the Buddha, we cannot make the Buddha anymore Buddha. Buddha is Buddha."
And Kundalini is Kundalini.
I feel strongly that many cases (not all, yet many) of physical and mental illness are challenged Kundalini awakenings in need of appropriate guidance and assistance. I feel that within a compassionate cultural context and welcoming paradigm, people can come to understand that the harmonization process of light and shadow that occurs—though sometimes uncomfortable or painful—is temporary.
I feel great concern for those who are rashly seeking to awaken such a powerful spiritual energy without a true teacher or the maturity to understand the commitment of such a spiritual emergence. Kundalini is a 24-7 commitment. You cannot spit back up the "Red Pill." Spiritual emergence really is about the journey. As one of my teachers, Baba Muktananda says wisely in the title of a book he authored, "Where are you going?"
I encourage gentle, gradual awakenings whenever possible. I cannot say that this is always possible, however. We all have our own particular destinies and karmas.
What Matters Most
What matters most to me after all these years is not that I am surrounded by light and color and other mystical experiences, though they are all exquisitely beautiful and are an intrinsic part of who I am at present.
What matters most to me that I can consciously connect with my heart, and feel a love that is eternal no matter the outer circumstances of my life or temporary confusions of my intellect. What matters is that the transformed personality that I live with and through today is joyous, grateful, fun, creative, accepting, forgiving, compassionate, honest, caring, kind, generous, and light-hearted.
What matters to me is that I love myself and the people in my life with abundant joy and uplifting authenticity.
Loving and caring for people matters to me.
Kundalini and spiritual emergence is a healing transformative opportunity. Yet it is we, as spiritual beings and awakened participants, who need to take responsibility to actively move congruently with our own emerging energies. It is the loving collaboration and cooperation that ultimately evolves us toward complete healing, harmonization, balance and transformation. As my teacher says: self-effort and grace—two wings of a bird.
Spiritual emergence, no matter its name or form, is an opportunity to enter into our hearts and know Love.
•••••••••••
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beautiful post delia!
what a pragmatic, generous and illuminatng style you have.
thanks for sharing the details you have with us - what an amazing and rare ride you have had - harrowing, breathtaking, beautiful….
thanks too for the link to the post about your childhood - your mother's mental illness etc…
it would be fascinating to be able to go back in time and see what your psychograph looked like just before that psychedelic experience that triggered the kundalini!
it is an honor to know not only someone who has been through something so powerful and lived to tell the tale, but also someone who can tell it so beautifully and with such groundedness and humor.
i loved the tongue in cheek bit about kundalini as a messenger from secret dimensions calling us to follow some new messiah etc….. hilarious and important to satirize methinks!
bang-up job - sorry for the bad timing on the seaweed bath - perhaps your juju has shifted the whole online community (or at least it's mainframe) into a spiritual emergence - or perhaps it was my video from yesterday - i know that shooting and editing it tuesday made me feel like my head was going to explode the following day…..
we'll keep you center stage until 2 pm tomorrow - i hope that will give us all some time tonight and tomorrow a.m./early afternoon to read and comment and engage you on this excellent contribution!
oh and just to clear it up - for me the antonym of “altered” is “steady” in terms of states - neoither better than the other - bur steady much more common and ordinary within a certain range - altered definitely fascinating, intense, firework-ey etc as you have demonstrated…. and i mean nothing pejorative by “altered” or elevating by “steady” - thsi is just standard psychological terminology that makes sense to me. if you have alternative terms that work better for you - let me know!
now the question viz transpersonal psych and integral theory lies in this - how do we tell apart the phenomena of altered state experince that are genuine glimpses of higher potential stages of development, and which are anomolous manifestations of distortions created by brian chemistry, genetics etc - some of which may actually manifest as psychosis and extreme distress that should not be confused with spiritual emergence….
a fascinating question that amny brilliant people have pondered for some time.
any distinctions there for you to elucidate?
hey d- for some reason when i try to add a comment on the official post - it bounces me over here. fyi readers the full post is here.
beautiful post delia!
what a pragmatic, generous and illuminatng style you have.
thanks for sharing the details you have with us - what an amazing and rare ride you have had - harrowing, breathtaking, beautiful….
thanks too for the link to the post about your childhood - your mother's mental illness etc…
it would be fascinating to be able to go back in time and see what your psychograph looked like just before that psychedelic experience that triggered the kundalini!
it is an honro to know not only someone who has been through something so powerful and lived to tell the tale, but also someone who can tell it so beautifully and with such groundedness and humor.
i loved the tongue in cheek bit about kundalini as a messenger from secret dimensions calling us to follow some new messiah etc….. hilarious and important to satirize methinks!
bang-up job - sorry for the bad timing on the seaweed bath - perhaps your juju has shifted the whole online community (or at least it's mainframe) into a spiritual emergence - or perhaps it was my video from yesterday - i know that shooting and editing it tuesday made me feel like my head was going to explode the following day…..
we'll keepo you center stage until 2 pm tomorrow - i hope that will give us all some time toinight and tomorrow a.m./early afternoon to read and comment and engage you on this excellent contrinution!
Hey J, thanks so much for your generous appreciation and support. :)
I am very interested to discuss the question of how we tell apart the phenomena of altered state experience…those that are genuine glimpses of potential stages of development vs …well, something else…whatever that is.
i'm going to take a brief break from my three rounds of hyperlinking, ponder your excellent question, and return shortly!
See you soon. :)
Others, please feel free to respond to J's question in the interim, also. :D
ok now it's working correctly!
we're back on track….. forgive the double post above - i think there may be alot of those on zaadz in the next 24 hrs as the sytem reorganizes itself!
ALSO: love the emphasis on ordinariness, love, the magic of real life, and humility.
zen: before awakening rivers are rivers, mountains are mountains, the sky is the sky. during awakening rivers no longer appear to be rivers, nor mountains, mountains, the sky, sky. after awakening once again rivers are rivers, mountain is mouhtain and sky is sky….
chop wood and carry water.
eat cereal and drink chocolate milk! i love it.
That's great stuff, Delia. I enjoyed reading that.
“What matters to me is that I love myself and the people in my life with abundant joy and uplifting authenticity.
Loving and caring for people matters to me.”
Do you feel that this attitude helps align you with kundalini? If it does, what other things do you feel help a person align themselves with it?
…now the question viz transpersonal psych and integral theory lies in this - how do we tell apart the phenomena of altered state experince that are genuine glimpses of higher potential stages of development, and which are anomolous manifestations of distortions created by brain chemistry, genetics etc…
Julian - There is this book I absolutely have to tell you about. Perhaps you've read it? How the Mind Works by Steven Pinker. Pinker is one of the world's leading cognitive scientists. He is the director of the Center for Cognitive Neuroscience at MIT. I have had this book on my shelf for about a 1 1/2 years longing for me to read it front to back. Alas, I have been deep in required textbooks due to school this past year.
Regardless, let me quote you a passage from How the Mind Works that I was drawn to read this evening. It pertains directly to your question above:
“But there is something peculiarly holistic and everywhere-at-once and nowhere-at-all and all-at-the-same-time about the problems of philosophy. Sentience is not a combination of brain events or computational states: how a red-sensitive neuron gives rise to the subjective feel of redness is not a whit less mysterious than how the whole brain gives rise to the entire stream of consciousness. The “I” is not a combination of body parts or brain states or bits of information, but a unity of selfness over time, a single locus that is nowhere in particular. Free will is not a causal chain of events and states, by definition. Although the combinatorial aspect of meaning has been worked out (how words or ideas combine into the meanings of sentences or propositions), the core of meaning—the simple act of referring to something—remains a puzzle, because it stands strangely apart from any causal connection between the thing referred to and the person referring. Knowledge, too, throws up the paradox that knowers are acquainted with things that have never impinged upon them. Our thoroughgoing perplexity about the enigmas of consciousness, self, will, and knowledge may come from a mismatch between the very nature of these problems and the computational apparatus that natural selection has fitted us with.
If these conjectures are correct, our psyche would present us with the ultimate tease. The most undeniable thing there is, our own awareness, would be forever beyond our conceptual grasp. But if our minds are part of nature, that is to be expected, even welcomed. The natural world evokes our awe by the specialized designs of its creatures and their parts. We don't poke fun at the eagle for its clumsiness on the ground or fret that the eye is not very good at hearing, because we know that a design can excel at one challenge ony by compromising at others. Our bafflement at the mysteries of the ages may have been the price we paid for a combinatorial mind that opened up a world of words and sentences, of theories and equations, of poems and melodies, of jokes and stories, the very things that make a mind worth having.”
I don't know about you, Julian, but I am deeply comforted and simultaneously humbled by this eloquent statement. Our own specialization as creatures of natural means, is the seed that has compromised our access to higher/other levels/states of consciousness.
Therefore it makes good sense that an “altered” state of mind can potentially free us to perceive that which we could not prior to such an experience.
Of course, this is why there are no words for samadhi states and the like. They are beyond the mind. The eye does not do such a good job of hearing.
beautiful quote - awesome observation - not sure how they relate to the question i posed.. :O)
it is one of making distinctions.
i already more than agree with the statement you are making!
David - Thank you so much for your kind words. I am delighted that you enjoyed my contribution to the symposium.
“What matters to me is that I love myself and the people in my life with abundant joy and uplifting authenticity. Loving and caring for people matters to me.”
Do you feel that this attitude helps align you with kundalini? If it does, what other things do you feel help a person align themselves with it?
Great questions. Yes, I do feel that holding a loving and compassionate attitude and inspiration is vital to aligning with any kind of spiritual energy, Kundalini or otherwise. Kundalini is compassion. Kundalini energy is a form of compassion. It is healing and evolving. This energy can be ruthless in digging out our psychic crap and emotional/mental garbage, yes. That is a fact.
So let me ask you this: would you go to a dentist that for fear of causing you discomfort did not clean out a cavity before filling it? I would not. I would undergo that temporary discomfort for the sake of lasting health.
No doubt, at moments during my journey with Kundalini, I have whined and moaned and kvetched like little child. No matter. Healing work to be done.
Based on my experience thus far, I do personally feel that Kundalini has a spiritual agenda. Healing evolution. Transformation and enlightenment.
If I am attached to things or situations that no longer serve my healing evolution or the healing evolution of others, that is too bad. The process is incredibly humbling. Incredibly.
Now what is best for my healing evolution might be quite different than what is best for your healing evolution. I cannot know what is best for you. And I cannot draw comparisons between individuals. However, we can listen and attune to our awakened spiritual energy. And when we attune to this quiet voice, this compassionate intuition, we can tell what matters most in the present moment and what we need to let go of. We can also tell what we need to commit to more deeply and where we need to persevere in our lives. When we are courageously honest with ourselves.
Yes, David, I personally feel that the qualities of compassion, loving, honesty, equanimity, patience, steadfastness, forgiveness, acceptance, humility, trust, and joy are some of the most important qualities that a spiritual aspirant can practice in a concerted effort to align with Kundalini, their awakened spiritual energy.
Julian - Perhaps, I did not understand your original question.
(too much hyperlinking today!) ;)
Would you mind restating it for me? I want to better understand what you are asking.
:)
I thought your question was how do we tease out what is an altered state opening us to higher levels of consciousness and which are anomolies of the brain, chemistry, etc.?
My response is that likely there is a collaboration of the two simultaneously to bring about the whole experience. I do not see them as opposed processes. I view them as working together collaboratively in an evolutionary manner.
What I cannot say is whether the experience begins from the brain up (as it were) or from the states of higher consciousness down (as it were). There's an interesting premise to contemplate…
Glad you enjoyed the quote!
Delia –
Thank you for the beacon.
I read your piece with many many tears, and a few sobs. It’s the first account of awakening that rings true to my own experience. I recognize so many things you describe and, for the first time, feel like maybe I didn’t do it all wrong. For three years all I could do was try to sleep 8 hours, eat three times a day, hold a job. I did my best to make sure the three meals weren’t entirely made up of chocolate, but I've had many a chocolate-only day. I couldn’t read a book or newspaper, sit through a movie, be in crowds of people (more than 4 people qualified as a crowd). I had no attention span – except for “South Park” episodes which I started recording and would watch them back-to-back-to-back (the most brilliant pop-culture representation of our society’s shadow-material ever.) I didn’t go to yoga. I didn’t talk to anyone outside of work.
After reading Julian’s post yesterday, I kept thinking “why would anyone want to live a life seeking the altered state?” Anyone who knows anything must know that’s CrAZy. Altered state broke apart my comfortable way of life. (I define “comfortable” loosely, as in the diminished state that was my life.) but still, why?
It’s starting to make a bit more sense to me. I’ve had a few moments that confirmed that my relationship with the world, with life, has been turned on its head (for the better). I’m only just tip-toeing back into the world. It’s slow going. I still sometimes miss that diminished person that I was. She was so together! She was so in control! She shopped a lot and had great clothes! But she couldn’t feel anything. She would never have posted anything on zaadz.
I was describing to someone recently (post-esalen) that I’ve changed a lot through this process, but am stuck with a whole bunch of bad habits that don't fit who I really am. As if, for all these years I was meant to be a gourmet chef, but in my diminished state I never learned how to cook. Does anyone have a pan I can borrow? Some recipes? The big white puffy hat? Is it too late to start cooking?
Thank you, Delia. And Julian. I’m going to dive into Gopi Krishna now. This is a new resource for me and am looking forward to reading more. Hoping to someday float happily…
Dearest Delia~
Stunning transparent story and teaching of your experience with Kundalini (awakening and embodiment). It's 2:32am here and my blip body is saying “sleep, sleep, must get sleep”. So I will reply with more… for sure, tomorrow! (i am inspired to say more ;-)
For now, I loved your discussion of shadow and your comment about kundalini being a 24/7 commitment :-) … I tease and say that “the genie can't go back into her bottle”
Cheers to you! I am so appreciative that you agreed to post for this Zymposium! A Treasure!
~ stacy
Hi Delia,
Thanks for the beautiful post, exactly the kind of intimate, deep personal sharing I hoped to see as part of this symposium! I can relate with much of what you share and say about the process of spiritual emergence/emergency.
Blessings,
Jim
so beautiful to feel how people are resonating with your piece delia!
andrea welcome it's great to see you here and to know you got so much out of it…
ok so delia here was my question:
“now the question viz transpersonal psych and integral theory lies in this - how do we tell apart the phenomena of altered state experience that are genuine glimpses of higher potential stages of development, and which are anomolous manifestations of distortions created by brian chemistry, genetics etc - some of which may actually manifest as psychosis and extreme distress that should not be confused with spiritual emergence….”
and it's related to this part part of the same comment:
”
thanks too for the link to the post about your childhood - your mother's mental illness etc…
it would be fascinating to be able to go back in time and see what your psychograph looked like just before that psychedelic experience that triggered the kundalini!”
what i am wanting to tease apart is what might be
1) the universal features that are part of the altered state and do indeed point toward potential higher and more healthy stages of development available to everyone
2) the highly subjective features that have to do with genetic predispositions, trauma history, unusually fluid barrier between the conscious and the unconscious etc
now there is no doubt in my mind that experientially (ie UL) all of it is co-arisng and all can be interpreted as part of the same experience - no doubt. that leaves the question of brain chemistry and what is in the individual's personal unconscious….
also, of course all of it is grist for the mill and in a case such as yours served as a potent initiation into strength, concentration, perseverance etc… in pragmatic terms you have met each challenge with good fortune and strength of character on your side…
i would suggest (as do the transpersonalists who have studied this stuff in more depth and with a broader east/west inclusion than anyone i know of…) that intense altered states/spiritual emergence/kundalini experiences contain several layers of material that can be summarized as something like this:
1) fragmenting disorganized overwhelming prepersonal/prerational unconscious material and brain/glandular/nervous system overload/misfiring - in the case of certain trauma history and genetic predisposition this would be more intense and marked..
2) difficult but deeply healing and epiphanic encounters with one's personal unconscious material - memories/traumas/pain/longings/unacknowledged gifts etc that has the effect of becoming more organized, making more sense (on multiple levels - emotional, rational etc) and in effect brings back together what was previously fragmented.
3) powerful transpersonal/transrational archetypal material that plugs one into the collective unconscious, mythic imagery, spiritual insight, compassion, beauty, wonder etc…
the tricky part is as always that the prerational and the transrational have a lot in common - though they are decidedly not the same….. again eckhart - “the madwoman is drowing in the waters that the holy woman is swimming in..”
full-blown psychotics and schizophrenics are experiencing a massive preponderance of the 1st category above - any of the benefits of the second and third are dwarfed by the first for them - hence they suffer and struggle, are deluded and remain disorganized - the experience does not serve their growth and what may look like transpersonal material to the naive untutored eye is in fact prepersonal disorganized fragmenting unconscious detritus that does no-one any good…
the majority of people who have energetic awakenings and/or psychedelic experiences will initiallly have a preponderance of novel surface sensory effects that are fascinating and impressive, followed by some convincing bits of 1 and 2 from above. staying with it, the 2nd category will become dominant and very helpful - but there will remain much confusion about the difference between 1 and 3. as they go deeper into the unconscious, all three will be intensified and without adequate preparation and guidance they will get spooked and walk away from the “bad trip” or the “dark energy” - and a lot of the time that will be it - a return to the steady state with a recollection fo something scary and weird as well as some previously novel and meaningful experiences that support some basic ideas/beliefs around “spirituality.”
your story is so fascinating because you have come out the other side more grounded, pragmatic, embodied than ever.
for me your story is rare and puts you in the 1 in a million category for three reasons now:
1) you have had a full-blown calssic “kundalini” type experience that stayed with you wether you wanted it or not.
2) you have an extraordinary ability to communicate the experience aas well as your difficult and beautiful journey through it.
3) your history and pre-disposition set you up for a very very intense process that would be much too overwhelming for the vast majority of people but you have come through it high functioning, insightful, joyful, humorous, wise and non-narcissistic.
wow.
again the first distinction was:
what i am wanting to tease apart is what might be
1) the universal features that are part of the altered state and do indeed point toward potential higher and more healthy stages of development available to everyone
2) the highly subjective features that have to do with genetic predispositions, trauma history, unusually fluid barrier between the conscious and the unconscious etc
dear dear delia…this post comes in perfect timing for where i am at in my own relationship with the “fireworks”…feeling burnt by them, wanting them to just go away…but to read of your process…to know from reading such a beautiful expression of your experience, that this is normal…i am given renewed strength…so thank you for that.
and your bathtub metaphor is one i shall lock in my brain as it is quite perfect.
and chocolate…oh, yes…chocolate.
there is so much more that i would like to say…to engage deeper…but at the moment, the wordly world is escaping me…so i leave you with fractal thought forms of love and heartfelt gratitude…
much much love…S.
Thank you, Delia. I love your answers. It seems consistent with what GK said in your other blog:
“It should be apparent to any impartial observer who has grasped the significance of this evolution that the very fact that man evolves towards a higher state of consciousness carries with it the responsibility that in order to equip himself for that higher stage he has to follow a way of life that is favorable and not inimical to his inner development. This means that side by side with his intellectual development this moral and spiritual growth should also proceed in such a manner that a harmonious personality, combining all three aspects of intellect, morals and will, comes to fruition, resulting in the emergence of what Heaven intends the future human being to be-the enlightened Cosmic Man or Woman.”
And thanks for the great links and tips–I bought a book by Mantak Chia last night.
Okay, back at the Mac!
Thanks for all your comments and questions. :)
On to responding…
ok ya'll i think we are staying with delia's post and my own for the moment - i cant wait for christiana's contribution, but i think it will land sometime in the the next 36 hours…..
in the meantime let's keep this juicy dialog going.
loving it!
monday starts bang on track with michael…..
Andrea,
First let me just say how deeply moved I was to receive your comments. It fills me with great joy to know that my sharing may have brought you some peace and assurance. I recall how much I needed calming assurance on so many occasions during my initial spiritual emergence.
Wow.
You bring it all back for me.
And I acknowledge you and commend you for your courage to share openly and honestly in our symposium discussion. Thank you for that. I am certain it means a great deal to us all. It does to me.
It’s starting to make a bit more sense to me. I’ve had a few moments that confirmed that my relationship with the world, with life, has been turned on its head (for the better). I’m only just tip-toeing back into the world. It’s slow going. I still sometimes miss that diminished person that I was. She was so together! She was so in control! She shopped a lot and had great clothes! But she couldn’t feel anything. She would never have posted anything on zaadz.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
I too missed my old “little” self. How I longed for her in all her ignorant narrow-minded self-centered confidence and boldness. Ah yes…to be that ignorant again. To be that gloriously unaware! ;)
It's amazing the things we can do and the attitudes we can carry and the behaviors we can enact when we are unconscious in our own little imaginary universes of thought structures and inculcated socialization. Amazing!
At times like those, Andrea, when I longed for the bliss of unawareness…it was very challenging to see my life getting any better. I experienced tremendous loss in this regard. Tremendous. And to speak quite frankly, it is a grieving process. And grief takes time. And grief also dissipates.
My recommendation in this area is to actually go out and buy a book on grief. Kubler-Ross' book, On Death and Dying is an excelllent start. You may find concepts in her writings that you can relate to in a very real way. Often in a strong/intense spiritual emergence, death of old self can occur abruptly. It can be very shocking. Please, take good care of yourself through this process, Andrea. Continue to be gentle and kind and understanding with yourself. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Be loving to yourself. Allow yourself to grieve any losses.
As for your wonderful analogy of feeling as though you've been born a gourmet chef yet have never had a cooking lesson…
Perfect!
You won't have to worry about being a hack run-of-the-mill conformist chef! Andrea, you will strike upon new ground and envision the most creative, healthful and yummy recipes the world has ever dreamed of.
My personal suggestion is to continue to stick to the basics at all times of caring for yourself and your health, Andrea. Root, root, root.
Kundalini is incredibly resourceful and creative energy. Gradually and intuitively, you will be led to develop your awesome cooking skills!
Yes, read up on Gopi Krishna's writings. Please, do remember the helpful caveat that Julian has written regarding such reading, however. It's at the top of my post.
Thanks again so much, Andrea, for your generous and open share. It makes my heart happy.
:)
Sa'Rah - I am so glad you found inspiration in my symposium contribution. And I'm happy to see that I am not alone in my enjoyment of the bathtub and knobs metaphor! LOL! ;)
On the tiring presence of fireworks, if that is indeed your scenario, Sa'Rah… If they are there, they are there. If they are not, they are not. Your situation sounds a bit like having sore knees. We wish the ache would go away, but we do not wish away our knees. We like them. They help us walk and ambulate about. I find it helpful to tease out what is aching and soothe that. Usually, its not the fireworks. Its something a bit deeper. Fireworks for the most part are benign and simply interesting…like goosebumps. :)
David - Yes. I love that quote by Gopi Krishna, too. :)
Ooh, which book of Mantak's did you get?
“now the question viz transpersonal psych and integral theory lies in this - how do we tell apart the phenomena of altered state experience that are genuine glimpses of higher potential stages of development, and which are anomolous manifestations of distortions created by brian chemistry, genetics etc - some of which may actually manifest as psychosis and extreme distress that should not be confused with spiritual emergence….”
and it's related to this part part of the same comment:
”
thanks too for the link to the post about your childhood - your mother's mental illness etc…
it would be fascinating to be able to go back in time and see what your psychograph looked like just before that psychedelic experience that triggered the kundalini!”
what i am wanting to tease apart is what might be
1) the universal features that are part of the altered state and do indeed point toward potential higher and more healthy stages of development available to everyone
2) the highly subjective features that have to do with genetic predispositions, trauma history, unusually fluid barrier between the conscious and the unconscious etc
Julian - Okay, I think I got it now. Finally. Sorry for the temporary delay in my cognitive gear shifting! ;)
Well, your question is pretty much what I've spent years doing since my Kundalini awakening—teasing out what is brain, chemistry, genetics, conditioning, psychological traumas…and…what are altered states/features that do indeed point toward a high consciousness.
I'm going to give you what I've got in a nutshell, then open it up to explore a bit.
In a nutshell: Often how we unpack the suitcase shapes the ultimate potential of what we experience. How we unpack an experience tells us what is in the suitcase. How we unpack the suitcase indicates the quality of that which we unpack—its weight, its size, it preciousness, etc.
Study and confirmation of higher levels of consciousness is subtle and often observed in an indirect manner. Hence, the importance of observing the “unpacking” process. And of course, the vital importance of nurturing a healthy and compassionate process.
Now. With all that said, we do not control by our powers of intellect (no matter how powerful) what is Higher Consciousness. Higher Consciousness is Higher Consciousness. Buddha is Buddha. Our ability to hold and assimilate and integrate that Higher Consciousness makes every little bit of difference.
Therefore, in the long run what matters is not getting as much (quantity) Higher Consciouness as possible…common Western error…how we love quanitity… ;)
What matters is becoming a vessel that can hold, contain, assimilate, and integrate even just one drop of Higher Consciousness.
I am not certain that I can tease out whether another person has touched the likes of Higher Consciousness—altered state or no altered state. I'm not certain anyone at this point can tease that out.
What I feel fairly adept in at this point in my experience is teasing out whether a person is successfully unpacking an altered/illumined/mystical experience. It feels fairly simple to me to observe whether a person is healthfully digesting their meal.
Going with this analogy…
Some people can frigin' eat anything! They are amazing these people. Amazing. They can eat pretty much anything and their phenomenal digestive systems break it down and assimilate it with flabergasting grace and ease.
Other folks can eat some things, but not all things. Or they can most things, just not all the time or only at certain times.
For example, I tend not to participate caffeination. Certainly not at night. Last year I started drinking coffee again after 15 years on a few rare occasions to keep up with my studies. One chai latté at 11a kept me up through the entire night. No sleep. Nope. Can't do caffeine.
Okay, back to the analogy. Some folks can eat anything. Some folks can eat most things (at least most of the time). Some folks cannot eat certain things. For example: lactose intolerance and allergy to shellfish, peanuts, eggs, etc. Anaphylactic shock is muy serious.
With a mystical experience of higher consiousness, a person needs a certain appetite, metabolism, and ability to digest and assimilate the experience—to unpack it.
How do doctors help people diagnose allergies? They give them a dose of allergen. Horrible! ;)
Yet effective.
How can we tell if someone is able to integrate (from whatever their current psychograph) an experience of Higher Consciousness? Give them a dose of it.
It might not be a perfect analogy. Yet I find it useful for at least exploring your excellent question, Julian.
Some people thrive post-mystical awakening. Some people are glad just to have survived it. Higher Consciousness is without words. Just one drop is so very much.
On a practical level, I feel it is vital to assist people who are having any kind of unpacking experience and not worry too much about whether it is one of Higher Consciousness. Anything that defies our stronghold on consensus reality is going to cause a “disturbance in the force.” And yes, that can be a mystical experience OR it can be a psychological trauma.
I like what Jim had to say in your post's comment section on what is trauma. Really resonated for me. Thanks Jim.
In Chinese medicine and even in allopathic medicine, toxins of varying strengths are given to an ailing patient. Why? If done appropriately for that specific patient and that specific condition, a toxin can induce the body to wake up and heal itself.
Was my Kundalini awakening a Divine Toxin? I prefer to think of it as medicine for the thick, thick unawareness that ailed me. Did it initiate a purging process that was painful or uncomfortable much of the time? Yes. In the long run did I learn to adapt and heal and thrive. I feel that I have. And I have many generous, kind and caring souls who assisted me through the process to thank for my beautiful precious existence today.
I'm going to pause here to see what your thoughts are on what I've shared so far. Then perhaps, I'll continue to elucidate more on my perspective.
BTW, Julian, your rare, one in a million comment on my spiritual emergence experience:
I am daily aware how amazingly fortunate I am to have come through this experience and unpack it with some semblance of grace. Again, all I can say to that effect is that I have many angels. Many. :)
Stacy - Wow. Thanks for joining the symposium at 2:32am! You're a trooper fo sho! ;)
I'm glad you enjoyed the section on illumination and shadow work. I feel pretty strongly about this subject area. Integrating shadow is vital to holistic health. It can affect every level.
Finally learning to appreciate shadow and discover loveliness within it has really strengthened and opened me as a person. I'm really grateful for mine. You know, its like a diving board into the swimming pool of Self, I tell ya. :)
Thanks again for your comments, Stacy! :D
Jim - And thank you for your generous comments! :) I'm glad that there is much for you to relate to in my share. I am eager to read your symposium contribution, as well.
BTW, I have read it both ways, also: spiritual emergence and spiritual emergency
Depending on what a person is going through at the time, it can potentially be both.
If it wasn't out of print, I would recommend reading Lee Sanella's Kundalini: Transcendence or Psychosis. Well, perhaps you already own a copy?
I believe ”Kundalini Syndrome” is now recognized in the DSM-IV as a legitimate diagnosis. Can anyone confirm that or provide further information in that regard?
just a oneliner backatcha delia and more to come later:
my dispostion is interested in precisely what is signified by the metaphor “angels” - and that is part of my question - which are the “angels” which the “demons” whence do they come and why is it one way for this person and another way for that.
for me this all falls in the realm of genetics, psychograph, resource/trauma ratio etc….
i keep asking you to get more specific about these distinctions - that is my nature.
my tongue in cheek sense is that you keep getting more expansive in your responses - as that is yours…
:O)
I got Taoists Secrets of Love (by Mantak Chia). It has one chapter–I didn't see it until today–about compressing air into the scrotum that's scaring the hell out of me. Can that be a good idea? I wonder of David Deida has people compressing air into scrotums …
It's seems that part of what's “normal” is these cases is kundalini going to work on whatever unresolved or latent grief, illness, etc. a person may have. So, I read stories about people with titles like, “The Day that Awful Thing Happened,” and it's about their having some kind of an awakening or turning point or rehanging of themselves and having difficulty from that point on. But I wonder if whatever they are having difficulty with was there all along but just in a latent or repressed form and that it's actually a good thing that they became symptomatic because it meant they had the energy to work on it.
It would also be interesting to categorize the types of issues people have with it. Julian is probably the one to do this. But one important one that I've had in mind is one that I've already asked Delia about and which she's touched on in numerous ways, about how people aligning themselves with it in terms of lifestyle, ethics, life purpose, etc. Once Andrew Cohen was giving a talk in New York, and a guy in the crowd began talking about his kundalini experiences and how much trouble they were causing him (losing sleep etc.), and Andrew said, “But what if your bags were packed and you were already to go?” And he referred to his teaching model. So I've been thinking along those lines since then.
It's pretty cutting-edge stuff, though. Even though people have been into it for thousands of years and there is help out there, anyone getting into it is kind of blazing a new trail.
I'm really interested in that book on grief you mentioned too, Delia. I'll probably get that.
Yikes, I just looked at the grief book. It's about actually dying.
Yeah…um…careful with that scrotum thing, David. ;)
And like with anything you read, take everything with a grain of salt. Practice discrimination. Mantak Chia has a lot of great things to teach…a lot…and he is still a person. :)
Kundalini is intelligent awakening energy. There is really no need to tell it what to do. Its not like a car that you get into and drive at your leisure.
“Oh, I think I'll fast for a week, eat raw for a month, and practice tantric celibacy just to see how that affects my Kundalini…”
;)
I feel I need to make a disclaimer at this point in the discussion. I cannot guide anyone who is trying to have a Kundalini awakening. And here's why:
I have never tried to have one. :)
It just happened.
I've spent years learning to accept it and all the work it entails. Today, I am happy to say that I enjoy it and am grateful for it. Yet keep in mind when listening to my suggestions and so on that I am not an expert, nor someone who ever went about trying to have a spiritual emergence.
There are legitimate teachers who can assist and guide with the process of awakening the Kundalini energy. If this is something you are interested in, I do recommend finding one. Again, a legitimate teacher. A true master of this process. Even though my case was after the fact, that is what I did. And doing so assisted me tremendously.
Overall, yes, I agree. David, it does seem that Kundalini provides ample opportunity for folks to work out their “stuff.” Yet when I hear you describe someone complaining about their Kundalini problems, my immediate response is say to them: “Stop over-focusing on it! You're only going to make it worse. Wash the frigin' dishes, make a meal, go for a walk, learn to knit, plant a garden, take a bubble bath, paint with fingerpaints, get a massage! Just do anything but obsess on or mess with your Kundalini. It is an intelligent energy. Let it do its job, and get on with yours: living.”
Sorry if I was too harsh there. That's my gut response to someone in that situation. Hope you'll understand. :)
When the energy becomes too much for people, I also support seeking help—whether that be through doing body work, acupuncture, nutritional support, allopathic medications, herbal remedies, legitimate spiritual counselors, psychotherapy, anything that is integrative, calming and grounding. I support that. Obsessing and fixating do not help. I do not support that.
And yes, David, On Death and Dying is definitely a practical book for everyone at some point in time—Kundalini or no.
Ah, Julian - You are so funny!…and clev-ah and witt-ay! ;)
(*happy chuckle*)
Okay, angels vs demons?!
Now who's getting expansive here?! LOL! ;)
Umm..for me, they are both the same thing, J. Really. The same thing.
How I respond to one—how I respond to such an energy/entity—determines whether that energy/entity becomes unpacked as an angel or a demon. Some of my responses to such an energy/entity may be conscious. And some responses may be subconscious. And yes, some may be biochemical, genetic, etc.
Yet, I still hold firm that in order to determine the source/quality of an energetic transmission, the best we can often do is observe it's effects on a subject.
As it concerns genetics, biochemistry, psychographs, trauma/resource ratio…specifically?…
Well…er…help me out here, J. Should we discuss a specific case study? Like a scenario?
I'm pretty good with those.
I can get a bit lost in intellectual abstracts and terminology. Yet I can keep up usually in a given scenario or example. How's that sound?
You treat. Give me a scenario.
:)
Dear Delia
I love the way you open, “smiling quietly … appreciating …the time, precious time to assimilate…” and move immediately into the self-disclosure of your evangelical youth the subsequent discovery that attraction is a lot more satisfying than promotion. Surrendering to that, a person becomes more engaging - how can that possibly be? Well, I think that, if you are any evidence, the Kundalini has something to do with it.
I liked Julian's opening too. I have already told him that I missed his “rootsy” part and he responded by providing it in the commentary. Tough spot, first. It has its advantageous, but its also kind of limiting - we needed a “Mr. Comprehensive” to lead off and I think he did a great job too.
I am no student of GK, but what I read of your earlier post, I found myself agreeing with Julian too on the caveat. Again, I love it that you said, “Still, let's not throw the baby out with the bath water. Gopi Krishna's writings saved my life.” Isn't this the way that it is most of the time? Lotsa babies in the bathwater? And isn't it true that you never start from a position of advantage, where things are going right and you can hardly stand yourself because you are so relaxed and happy, you just can't wait to try out some new shit that might put you in the hospital? Mmmmm … no, not then. It happens, for most of us when we are feeling “alienated, separate, defective” - we yearn to belong, but spend our days lonely, inadequate, shamed, and powerless.
I find it easy to follow your work as you, like myself, have an eye for the image and the will to describe it succinctly with words. The tub image led from rude beginnings to “floating happily” in a couple of sentences yet the image carries a much deeper story. Good one! As well, the image of the Ida and Pingala winding about the shushumna that seems “accurate” to you seems accurate to me as well. One question for you: are the Ida, the Pingala and the Shushumna more like knobs or a channels? If the Shushumna is more channel, then where is the knob function as there surely is one - a something that controls how much energy these channels or conduits can permit to pass without risking a subtle-body aneurism? (sorry, two questions)
The up-down nature of Kundalini flow in the subtle body is fascinating to me. I know that artists have expressed their visions of this in many ways. For years I dismissed these renderings as they seemed “fanciful” and grandiose. Now, I am beginning to experience the visualization phase myself. It did not appear to me as if in a hallucinatory dream, or other altered state, (and Julian will get a kick out of this,) it appeared as an image based on readings in acoustics, astro- and particle-physics and in particular, vortex technology - very hard-assed orange standard. This leads me to suspect that much of what rules the gross in terms of pattern, (performance) also influences the subtle.
“At the same time, this awakened energy flows into the world through me and with me. So when I am working, it becomes a meditation. When I am cooking or cleaning, it becomes a meditation. When I am with friends or family, that too is a meditation. There is a consistent awareness that I am energy existing in a material world with physical forms, and I am naturally drawn to connect with the energy I sense within form.” “Of course, there are also forms I choose not to connect with energetically.”
This provides a fine base for the discrimination necessary to stay focused on physical forms the energies of which are coherent or harmonic with ours. Ordinarily, discrimination is seen as a focus outward. In this case, in the realm of the subtle, I believe that it is an inward discrimination that scans the our self for right relationship with another. This lets me consider the other without having to analyze or inventory them. I can let my far more sophisticated intuitive eye scan the situation and provide an emotional-level “read” on how this energy of “other” is playing out - Attraction or promotion? Competition or cooperation? Traction or no traction?
Well, I have to say that your fireworks seem spectacular to me. My own experiences have been strong, but separated at some distance in time. You seem to be more in a steady state with an unusual mind-event. Is it distracting? Can you raise and lower the amplitude, change the display in any way? The 7 notes are cool. Are they ascending? Descending? Melodic?
I liked your reference to the “sensation” being of the “senses turned inwards.” That connects to the notion of “drishthi” or the discriminating inward focus.
Awakening
”First off, yes, there was a definite moment of awakening. And it was sudden. Essentially, the environmental circumstances were one of a virgin psychotropic situation where I was kindly invited to revisit my childhood under the pretenses that I would be able to do some regressive psychological healing.” This is brilliant Delia - rigorously truthful and discrete.
The Moment of Awakening
Struck dumb, then ravenous - that sounds pretty balanced - it sure must have been your time! The green serpent with a twist - sounds like the Poroborus en Mobius. And a huge atta-girl for admitting to the “stickiness” of the attachment to making too much out of the mystical nature of the experience. Frankly, I think it helps to see it as “normal,” almost unremarkable, natural. (Are you sure it's not instructions from the Federation? I have to deal with that all the time.)
Nice segue from fireworks to shadow. Nice.
Shadow Illumination
“The intention is to accept, integrate and balance shadow into the whole-create a cohesive relationship and one-ness between what is human and what is divine.”
We are of the cave, of our roots. Our bodies are holographs shimmering between nodes stuffed with the finest of earth. Its dark in there amongst the ashes and alongside are knots of emotional asphalt - constellated shadow, needing light to render them alive, to lead them from opacity to translucence, from liability to asset.
“So then why all the fireworks?” I like it that your conclusion addressed your “very, very literal (fundamentalist upbringing …) and childlike.” Well the childlike part is “good” and sustainable, but the “very, very literal …” part, well it needed to be shaken up some and that is exactly what happened - an experience that would, when settled down a bit, appeal to the child in you, while the phantasmagorical nature of it would shake up your literalism (actually, probably someone else's literalism that you were induced to adopt. Just sayin'.)
Inevitable Transformation
Again with the honesty about “going back to sleep.” Attagirl. Quite the minefield of shatttered beliefs and the burning, unavoidable certainty that everything was going to have to change - ALL the old ways of thinking were going to have to go. No wonder we yearn to return to the bliss of ignorance. Waking up, no matter how transfixing the brilliance, is a bitch once you start moving around in the world. (meaning “bitch” in the non-gendered, metaphorical sense of course) And it is projections of our own ego which we are banging into now, so the ego has to get right-sized and it does not want to and is jealous of this friggin' mystical distraction and holds on for dear life to all of the illusions that it has helped you construct for all those years and you are torn between the 7 notes coming from the 11 dimensional tourmaline peony unfolding before you, and all your dad-burned plans and obligations. It is relentless. Once awakened, you might as well surrender to it. Resistance is futile, not to mention debillitating, expensive even.
Acceptance, Practice and Humility
It is so cool that you went and got help, the right kind - seemingly led by your own willingness to keep most of your intention on this interior view. The counsel that you reported had a “right-on” feeling about it to me too and I do not take my spiritual diagnostics lightly.
Kundalini Awakening = Healing Evolution
Right on throughout this whole section. Jai Baba!
I like it that you assign a quality of “intelligence” to Kundalini Shakti, an evolutionary conscience, a sense of this expression of the Shakti as aware of itself at the same time as a thing, and as “all things.”
What Matters Most
Beautifully closed especially the attention drawn to your transformation characterized as “joyous, grateful, fun, creative, accepting, forgiving, compassionate, honest, caring, kind, generous, and light-hearted.”
Thanks Delia, that was really fun and revealing to read,
Yer pal,
Michael
i'm off to bed - christiana should have something up tomorrow… stay tuned…
Hi Everyone,
I too am off to bed, and just want to thank you all so much for your enthusiastic participation and warm reception of my posting. Likewise, I have really enjoyed receiving and reading all your great comments. Thank you.
With that said, I have an engagement early next week that requires all my attention currently. Therefore, I will be going into “the zone” for the time being. I will likely resurface on Wednesday or Thursday of next week. In the meantime, please send me light and I will send the same!
Big Love,
d
:)
P.S. Michael - Wow. Thank you so much for your great comments. They meant a great deal to me, and were lovely to receive. I am really, really looking forward to your contribution to the symposium. :)
delia thanks for an amazing job surfing through seaweed into the fireworks of kundalini awakening…..
everyone else - stay tuned.
i am anticipating christiana's piece sometime today - we have the weekend to keep chatting and thinking and perhaps take a little break at some point - and then we have a full five days more of delicous food for thought - and heartful sharing.
thanks for hanging with the ride so far!
Thanks again, Delia. Are there better books by Mantak Chia than the one I got? What do you think is the essential GK book?
Also, you say that kundalini is an intelligence–would you say that it is something one surrenders to?
delia thank you so much for sharing your amazing process with us, your subsequent adjustments and the nuts-and-bolts of how you went about integrating it into your life, or your life into it; thank you. I also find it fascinating and interesting that you made the distinction that you had never sought out a kundalini awakening; i think this alone dispels several myths about what such awakenings entail. and i guess what julian means with “psychograph,” correct me if i'm wrong anyone—-is that the way this awakening fit into your particular psychograph was that you happened to have the strength and resources to learn to swim these waters. It's so touching and iluminating to hear it happening this way—that you actually had to go read up on it AFTER it happened! i guess maybe the psychograph is similar to the digestive system analogy above, which i loved—i've noticed that myself, and marveled at the resilience, fortitude and elasticity of certain systems.
i'm also interested in the angels/demons, as well as the deities that appeared to you. i'm wondering how you have interpreted such visions.
thanks again for your wonderful post sweetie. hope your couch is still available when i trek to l.a. :)
thank you for your kind response delia…as with the nature of this ride, today, is absolutely wonder full…actually, the bathtub metaphor and a julian funky friday class was completely transformational…i found the knob to the cool water, ya know?…and found myself floating comfortably…so all in all, your piece provided me with some missing metaphor and for that, infinite gratitude…
love and grace…S.
right on sarah - maybe thats what your “well - ok..” meant as you walked out the door….. :O)
nice way of thinking about it daate.
really the psychograph is a word for the psychological profile based on where your multiple lines of development are at…..cognitive, psychological, aesthetic, moral etc..
i am also using it loosely to include one's genetic predispositions, trauma/resource ratio etc…
my observation again is that it is a tiny percentage - maybe one in 1000 - 10,000 that takes a psychedelic as delia did and has an experience that doesn't almost completely fade after 8 - 12 hours.
probably a much greater number (perhaps 1 in 50 - 100 depending on their intentions) have spiritual experiences that include energetic unwinding (kriyas, shaking, primal release), reliving of intense emotional experiences from the past, and states of mystic rapture etc…. that are then hard to integrate simply because they are state specific and in some ways represent a level of open-ness and a set of capacities that are not yet fully formed in that persons everyday self.
most recreational (non-intentional/spiritual) users would call this a “bad trip” and would freak out for a while before the drug wore off and they returned gradually to their ordinary state, shaking their head and thanking the “god” that they now believe in because he/she/it delivered them from hell - most likely with the promise never to do it again!
so what i am getting at is that delia's psychograph as suggested by her genetic predisposition (schizophrenic mother), trauma/resource ratio - chaotic and scary childhood etc - set her up in a very particular way for this experience ….. now clearly she also has some other amazing capacities that enabled her to then a) survive and b) make sense of the experience and communicate it. - could be too that surviving that chaotic experience with a parent gave her some tools that enabled her to navigate the intense nexus of variables that showed up during and after that trip… fascinating!
another way of thinking about it is that the drug at some point tears down the wall between the conscious and the unconscious and that this also has profound implications somatically, yeah?
so we have an experience that mirrors our unconscious contents - fears, traumas, longings, mythic archetypes, - all amplified - as well as our brain chemistry tendencies and bodily holding patterns - all amplified - and then so much energy gets pumped through our whole being/nervous/glandular/psychic system that we break through to a whole new level - the doorway to which was in fact our unique and particular psychograph (see also the old-school psychedelic notion of “set and setting”) - the content of which will have specific personal variation but deep archetypal features that are universally human and hence reminiscent of other accounts of potent altered states… (with guidance this is an incredible opportunity to know ourselves - thankfully there are also safer and less intense ways than powerful psychedelic chemicals to enter this realm and explore it more gradually…titrate it perhaps?)
hence it is a short little jump (and here i think caution and level-headedness is necessary) into thinking that intense altered states “prove” everything from jesus to buddha to reincarnation to kundalini to synchronicity to sexual abuse to aliens and on and on - part of what is happening too is that structures in the brain that have to do with assigning and subjectively experiencing meaning are on overload - so for example the green cap on a sharpie marker can be endlessly interesting and symbolic say of the divine mother inherent in all things… this impression tends not to last or to have particularly deep meaning once those brain structures are no longer so over-activated..
ucla brain researcher v.s. ramachandran has a fascinating documentary called something like the frontiers of the mind which i highly recommend in this regard…
i have been trying to emphasize in my comments that the experience delia has described is extremely unique and should in my opinion not lead people to any of the following common misconceptions:
1) that it is a frequent occurrence for psychedelic experiences to last in any thing like the full-blown way after the chemicals wear off.
2) that all energetic experiences are this powerful, overwhelming and structure collapsing.
3) that schizophrenia, psychosis and other states of mental illness are misunderstood kundalini.
i think these are all questions that have been deeply explored since the 60's and the data is pretty good on them…..although energy and consciousness do remain at the core mysterious.
people like r.d. laing and others, even grof and sanella et al went through a lot trying to prove these hypotheses true clinically with very disappointing results - hence the current transpersonal and integral model's differentiation of pre and trans as well as pathology from supra-health/realization.
i think in conclusion i am saying that this is a very complex topic and that multiple variables are possible. i hope i do not offend anyone in these points - if so let me know….
i leave you with the the first intellectual voice to speak of such things - aldous huxley who defined psychedelics as “non-specific amplifiers of experience….”
best
~j
thanks for the clarification j….i agree about the possible misperceptions.
one question about this statement (and you'll know why i'm asking you this):
“hence it is a short little jump (and here i think caution and level-headedness is necessary) into thinking that intense altered states “prove” everything from jesus to buddha to reincarnation to kundalini to synchronicity to sexual abuse to aliens and on and on - part of what is happening too is that structures in the brain that have to do with assigning and subjectively experiening meaning are on overload - so for example the green cap on a sharpie marker can be endlessly interesting and symbolic say of the divine mother inherent in all things…”
question: how is sexual abuse like aliens? do you just mean that a person who is in an altered state is more likely to believe that something like that happened to them, if they exhibit symptoms or something like that beforehand?
thanks for asking d…
i think that when we deal with the unconscious it's important to recognize the a priori beliefs or condtioned responses/idealogies that are underlying the experience.
i think that if you have a strong belief/desire to find “proof” for various beliefs - and psychedelics are non-specifc amplifiers of experience - the mind will organize the unconscious material that emerges whilst in the intesne altered state to prove what we want to believe - especially if we think it is our salvation - or what will set us free, help us heal etc….
so i think in ways that are sometimes quite convoluted people will use various kinds of experiences whilst in altered states - be they psychedelic, meditative, the shock of trauma etc… to prove reincarnation, life after death, the existence of interdimensional beings, the belief that their guru is the one true messiah - and yes sometimes i have seen (and experienced) the need to find the one god awful trauma that will explain everything and make one whole if it just comes to the surface - the whole repressed memory thing is very complicated and tricky - did you ever see the documentary called capturing the friedmans - about the man and his son who were convicted of molesting young boys at a computer class they held in their basement …… fascinating example of the trickiness of hypnosis, leading questions and the hysteria that can emerge around big shadow material like sexual abuse.
now of course all of this is decidedly not to say that sexual abuse is not real and that recovered memories that were repressed are not often powerfully important in the healing process - in much the same way as i am not saying that energetic experiences and altered state/peak experiences are not real or valuable……. but we are dealing with the unconscious here - and so to return to william james:
“”Our normal waking consciousness, rational consciousness as we call it, is but one special type of consciousness, whilst all about it, parted from it by the filmiest of screens, there lie potential forms of consciousness entirely different. We may go through life without suspecting their existence; but apply the right stimulus, and at a touch they are there is all their completeness…
No account of the universe in its totality can be final which leaves these other forms of consciousness quite disregarded. How to regard them is the question…”
ahh….understood. interestingly though, i have the feeling that in the event of sexual abuse, i think it's more often than not, in the case of repressed memories, the opposite—that the person has acted out unconsciously for years and attempts to “just get over” bizarre unexplained behavior and that the memories worm their way in against the person's will; that these memories are just exactly what doesn't fit into the person's conscious conditioning. i think most survivors feel that the memories are the last thing that will set them free. peter levine, even though he often mentions that the resolution of trauma doesn't depend on “the story” or having the trauma be content-based, that he has very rarely found someone with repressed sexual abuse memories to be wrong about their past. just thought i'd mention that—-though of course i've seen the opposite happen as well, just far more rarely.
Delia, I love the easy authenticity of your voice which eloquently centers in the heart of who are you right now. Many moments while listening did I hear my own voice ego back in the heart of who I am ~I love it when that happens.
I have many favorites in this expression of what it’s like to be Delia. At the top of the pile is the part about contrast which you have gracefully weaved throughout the entire expression like master artisian ~creating a black and white study where ordinary sits right up next to extraordinary offering the vital contrast we need naturally to make out the shape and form of the higher consciousness expressing through and as us. And yet you treat it all with such an easiness; flowing decidedly from the grounding energy of the mundane to a profound connection with the energy of love. ***** “Nameste’, my dear.” **********
Kundalini is intelligent awakening energy. There is really no need to tell it what to do. Its not like a car that you get into and drive at your leisure.
“Oh, I think I'll fast for a week, eat raw for a month, and practice tantric celibacy just to see how that affects my Kundalini…”
I feel I need to make a disclaimer at this point in the discussion. I cannot guide anyone who is trying to have a Kundalini awakening. And here's why:
I have never tried to have one. :)
It just happened.
… in the long run what matters is not getting as much (quantity) Higher Consciouness as possible…common Western error…how we love quanitity… ;)
What matters is becoming a vessel that can hold, contain, assimilate, and integrate even just one drop of Higher Consciousness.
Yummy! Absolutely delicious!
My vessel may not be as clear as what has been described here in your post Delia but that juicy morsel hit the spot. ~kinda like chocolate. And I thank you. I look forward to reading and remembering more. The impact on my understanding inspired by your sharing is very much appreciated and honored. Love, Syn
yes this is absolutely true daate - and i have known quite a few people with real memories that have been crucial to their healing and finally understanding their lives….
at the same time the witch-hunts around sexual abuse, especially in america in the 80s and 90s are well documented - the false memory syndrome stuff, the day care centers and after school classes like the friedmans incorrectly prosecuted for outlandish accusations - the hysteria around satanic ritual abuse etc
personally i was involved with a group where the teacher/healer believed that it was sort of her karmic destiny to heal people from sexual abuse - she had been through a long term hypnosis based process and was quite public about a supposedly long history in childhood of ritual abuse, being drugged, being sold as a child prostitue, as well as a lot of “past life” memories recoverd under hypnosis of having been abused this way too….. and she wore it like a badge that made her the amazing/gifted authority that she was…
she believe that many if not most of the people “drawn” to her center were surviviors who hadnt figured it out yet and that she could tell in a kind of psychic way who had been abused….
she was very charismatic and powerful and was good at persuading people that she could “see” and that she knew better than they about the contents of their unconscious…..
part of what went on was that progress in your healing was sort of measured in this unspoken group-think kinda way by wether or not you had started to uncover your “memories”…..
it was a very disturbing situation that i think confused and did damage to a lot of people - including myself.
i have also had clients come in and say that therapists or psychics had told them after one visit that they must have been molested - which i think is completely inappropriate.
all of that said - of course you are right that sexual abuse is in a different category altogether than aliens, spirit guides etc (and in fact i have found that many people with those kind of regressive worldviews actually are often intense trauma survivors)…… but it still is somewhat in the category to some extent of things people can get fixated into “believing” as a result of slanted interpretations of altered states and a priori belief systems/agendas…. it's like - the obsession with what's behind the curtain?
that's terrible, the story about that teacher/supposed healer doing that stuff…..because this is what dissuades actual survivors from being believed and honored. sexual abuse is rampant and the process of recovering memories—which, again, is not something that anyone who has really been abused has to “try” to do—is pretty grueling and horrific. I can only hope her kind of slant is unusual, because i as of yet have only encountered one “dangerous guru” type, and i've seen the kind of damage that can be done. i really haven't had much exposure to the world of people trying to convince each other of sexual abuse; i've mostly seen its denial and repression, and the subsequent damage from that. i hope this teacher/guru found some intensive psychotherapy…..
nope i think she is still doing it - but she has matured and chilled out a fair bit… and has undoubtedly also helped some people a certain way down their path - the big problem is with the charisma and claims of special abilities - which creates massive idealizing transference and makes it hard for people to move on…. especially when held in a kind of psychic/energy healer/reincarnated native shaman kinda trip.
yes i hear you and agree with the general asssessment wholeheartedly daate!
That's interesting about idealizing transference inhibiting growth, Julian. I've heard Andrew Cohen and Ken Wilber talk about the opposite phenomenon, of New Age teachers lowering themselves, self-deprecating to the point they are on a somewhat equal level with students and this inhibiting growth. So I guess it's all about balance. If no idealizing is allowed, it could inhibit growth, it would seem. But then if too much idealizing is allowed or encouraged that can also inhibit growth. I've noticed that some people really want a God in the flesh, though, so maybe in some cases that's evolutionary. For others it would seem to be disempowering to project like that.
oh Julian, Daate, and David… you've touched a chord :-) I am realizing that I am still under the influence of disillusionment in the context of therapy/healer/client relationship…. my FALL happened in my second year of Grad school when I realized that I had been investing in a (mostly) ineffective and exacerbating process towards my soul calling of bodhisattvic engagement. Finishing grad school became an utter Hell as I didn't belong and they didn't know what to do with me (although I *was* good at it… top of my class 3.8 ;-) With my parents disappointment in tow, and my disillusionment heavy, I did NOT go into practice….
Shortly thereafter I found NLP, Hypnosis, New Age and Coaching….. I returned to practice renewed. Although each offered their own window into greater effectiveness, ultimately the play of therapist's “world” engaging client's “world” through varying means… I simply became fatigued at the fallout or flatness that continued to seem greater than the “breaking through”….
I stopped formal practice (which coincided with a business failure)… and continued and increased my personal practice with meditation, brainwave entrainment, Tibetan Buddhism, Zen, etc.
I have not been in practice for 11 years now…. this is my own personal journey/conundrum. I *am* supportive and happy for all those who are inspired to engage in healing and helping others. (And I'm incredibly grateful to all the teachers who have helped me/others through time and experience…. most recently for my daughters.) And it is this constant friend, disillusionment, that has led me to many other teachings, including KW/ Integral. And I suppose, one day, I might re-engage ….. maybe when I think I know something ;-)
Cheers,
Stacy
Ok to return to the Kundalini discussion ;-)
Isn't Kundalini, referring to life force, always present? Are we really talking about how much is felt, to what capacity, how fluid it is (versus where it gets blocked, repressed, entangled)? I envision the imagery of the snake and that its present in each of us, but what may differ is how each of us might be unconsiously or consciously engaging it. Whether its asleep or sickly (moving about lamely) or is it vibrant, dancing with the music of the flutist? Is it possible that we can keep it hidden, let it flow in certain contexts, and not others?
I wonder about this as I am trying to remember when my Kundalini was awakened…. which hasn't struck me yet. I can remember many experiences over the years that I have had with kundalini… one during a 7day Tibetan Tantric empowerment of Vajrayogini/Heruka!, most recently, last week…. blowing me away. But I would say that my experiences are more ebb and flow…. with an overall increase in capacity. Hmmm, I wonder as it seems like it has been a constant companion…
Does any of this make sense?
~ Stacy
david my sense is that idealizing transference is inevitable and useful in healer/cient or teacher/student dynamics- but it has to held responsibly and transitioned out of gracefully…
so one extreme version is the one i am describing wherein the teacher/healer feeds off the transference and uses it to consciously or unconsciously manipulate the student/client out of their power/money/boundaries/self esteem etc…
the other end of that extreme continuum is what ken and andy are probably describing - wherein the teacher/healer refuyses to accpet the responsibility and wants to just be buddies with their clients/students and so you have the whole new age green relativism thing with no boundaries and no acknowledgement of healthy hierarchy and appropriate healthy roles….
both - as you suggest - are a problem.
idealization will be more unrealistic the more wounded the client/student is and the teacher/healer will play alon with the unrealistic idealization because it inflates their weak sense of self and/or serves a hidden agenda they have - power/money/sex etc….
so there is a real set-up there…
part of the finesse is to gradually surrender the idealization (see kohut optimal disillusionment…)
the key is understanding the psychological dynamics of transference and counter-transference and working hard to be responsible and in integrity with that stuff - owning up to the responsibility of the role that has been chosen……
(by all accounts btw - it appears that cohen has a long way to go in this regard….yeah?)
now add the already intense teacher/student healer/client transference and inevitable idealization to a priori metaphyscial beliefs about how reality works and the notion that the leader is “enlightened” and you've got a psychological powderkeg waiting to explode - again the more outlandish and unrealistic the idealization fantasy is - the more wounded must be the followers to buy into it……. - cf the general history of guru cults in america…. (and elsewhere)
thanks for your beautiful share stacy……if you were to return to practice i'm sure your walkabouts would serve to enrich your understanding of your clients…..
and yes, julian and david, it's funny, finding a therapist who can walk that delicate line is a rare blessing. i have known a few who understand what's going on with a client's transference and who can allow themselves to care deeply for the client while only ever keeping the client's best interest in mind; and in a way this is the best kind of love and a version of the boundary-recognizing love that the kind the client should have gotten in childhood…..one that's interested in erecting strength and self-sufficiency in the client. it's a beautiful thing when it happens, and i think clients respond immediately to this kind. they can respond immediately to the toxic kind as well simply because it fills a temporary need (and pleases a needy therapist, which is tempting for wounded clients of course) but in the presence of healthy therapeutic love (hope everyone gets what i mean by “love” here) i'm constantly amazed at how that part of the client that seems to always have been peeking out and waiting for it can begin to stand.
beautifully put d.
and yeah stacy - life force always is - and the process of growth/healing/initiation into deeper levels of being is acompanied by big shifts in the availability, free flow, release,, processing etc of the life force, as the energy blocks open, deep feelings get acknowledged and the chronic armoring of the musculature gets deconstructed - allowing the unconscious material to bubble up into consciousness…. in some cases manifesting/culminating as a newfound ecstatic relationship to life.
What a wonderful and insightful post. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and compassion.
delia are you back among us yet?
delia
you're clearly a witch, and should be put to the stake.
not ; )
i'll be sharing my pearls of wisdom regarding your amazing journey asap! great entry darlin'…
Synerjyz thank you so much for your kind and generous comments. I'm so glad that you feel you have received benefit and inspiration from what I have shared. Yes, one drop is so much. So very much. :)
Daate thank you, too, for all the positive and supportive feedback on the post, as well as your own well-put understanding and clarification on psychographs.
i'm also interested in the angels/demons, as well as the deities that appeared to you. i'm wondering how you have interpreted such visions.
Well, my lovely, brilliant, fabulous friend Daate (*smile!*), to be succinct—I don't concern myself much with interpretations. Does that make sense? For example, you have posted a comment on my blog post. I haven't spent a lot of time contemplating how to “interpret” that. I accept it. I enjoy it. I allow it.
What I don't do is read a lot into it. I just allow it to simply be.
I am of the mind to accept that there are energies (for lack of a better term) in this cosmos that manifest in multiple varied forms. Again, you, for example. You manifest. And I think you're super-cool. I don't worry much that you are in a human form or in a woman's body or like to meet up with me in Austin for lunch or crash on my couch when you visit Santa Monica [ and yes, absolutely the offer for my couch is still open! :) ] I just let you show up in my life, and find that since I like you very much, I shall likely allow you to continue to do this indefinitely.
As it concerns visions of gods/goddesses and angels/demons, I allow them to show up, too. Well, mostly the ones I'm fond of…again, kind of like the people in our lives. We like to keep the ones we're fond of around more. ;)
To reiterate, I don't spend a lot of time interpreting visions/dreams/mystical experiences…I do spend time appreciating and enjoying them as they manifest in my life. :)
Lucidity thank you for your lovely comments. You are welcome. :)
adam Ah-hah! You found me out! Drat!
;)
Very cool. I look forward to your pearls of wisdom…even if they are rationalistic and prickly! ha! :D
What are you talking about?This is great!Lovew it!Come on be gentle to one another!
Love&Peace,
R.S.